Blind Diversion

Still

2010-02-10T17:53:00.000-08:00

Still

I wish I was away from everything. That in the quiet I'd discover You. And I'd see that all I am is Yours, and You are mine.

I trust in You.

Crucified

2010-01-15T21:25:00.000-08:00

Crucified

Why is it so hard to die to myself, and take up my cross whenever the moment begs me to... such a desperate cry to crucify the things in my heart... yet so powerless, and so weak...

I'm nothing and have nothing.
I feel so unworthy inside and I wish I was just dead.

Desperate People

2009-12-29T01:32:00.000-08:00

Desperate People

If you feel their pain, please pray for them. For those that have been there and seen them, held them and loved them, let's intercede together.

My heart is heavy. It's heavy because Christ's love weighs down upon it.

"I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the LOVE you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."
John 16:25-26

You cannot imagine how much pain I go through inside, each time I get down on my knees.

The one on Christmas day

2009-12-25T15:11:00.000-08:00

The one on Christmas day

What do you do when you cannot seem to decide and divide your world; from everything that you ever thought could be real and everything you wanted it to be. When what you want clashes with what you have or thought could only possess, a sense of reality emerges and takes control. It's a mess when you attempt to straddle between what is yours and things not possible.

I gain insight on what I think is good for me. On most occasions, we unknowingly miss the point on what is before us to grasp. It's way down below the surface, covered and disguised by superficiality and mediocrity. There's a treasure that desperatedly needs to be unearthed by the hands of the heart. The breath of which would give new life. Until the day we see everything else, real of spiritual, fall away, and only one thing stands before us.

It's a dream that not one of us can deny. The heart may burn but you could never tell for how long. When we actually start to realize it, we're mockingly surrounded by everything we ever wanted, within taking but not for us to keep.

Will I be afraid and not hope for the impossible ? I don't want to settle for second best.
Love is hard to understand. It's so intense.
I'm laying it all down.

Happy Christmas, people of the earth

Lies

2009-08-15T04:33:00.000-07:00

Lies

Thanks for hiding from me and lying to me. You don't deserve my trust.

Depreciate

2009-07-27T01:50:00.000-07:00

Depreciate

I'm starting to feel that over time, no matter how much effort I put in, you don't appreciate things as much as before...

There's only so far a man can go, expecting not to receive anything and giving unconditionally. But it's tiring and Love goes both ways.

Fill the space

2009-07-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

Fill the space

What do you do when you've got a whole load of free time on your hands ? It's lull now in camp so everything is nice and quiet. That is why recently I started getting my hand back at my long forsaken hobby of sketching, and proudly uploaded the entire shit load of it onto deviantart. Awesome site.

I go through different phases of interest so I draw different stuff at times. My favourite has got to be doing portraits. I never thought I'd do a Michael Jackson, but if there were any appropriate time to ever do it, it's got to be now. Yes, I was once hooked on his songs, and like many others, attempted the moonwalk countless times. R.I.P Michael.

I also drew a design of a tattoo I'm looking to get. I named it "On Eagle's Wings". Reckon how that will look on my upper back, stretching from shoulder to shoulder =P Imagine what kind of trouble I'll get into.

I'm lazy to blog about the rest, so just check it out HERE
and give me your comments ! Peace.

Freak !

2009-07-15T04:56:00.000-07:00

Freak !

Celebrities are reported to have gone under the knife to surgically alter their eyes to look exactly like their mouths. No wonder they tell you to put your money where your mouth is...

Shrek

Paris Hilton

OprahMegan Fox

Gollum
Hulk Hogan
Will Smith

Mr Bean

Sadly, there are more on the A-list going for these mind-blowing, head-turning, eye-enhancing surgery. All... on Freakingnews.com.

Funnies

2009-07-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Funnies

Hallucinations

The Difference

Disgusting Keyboard

Pointless

2009-06-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

Pointless

Things were alot simpler and happier. I'm fighting very hard but I'm getting tired.

Moving Along

2009-06-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Moving Along

Even the biggest and strongest of things get broken. At some time, and some place. Sadly, hardly anything stays as it was, as much as you wished it to be. Then I'd say, it takes nerves and courage to venture into these inevitable uncertainties.

Honestly I'm scared and don't know what to do. I wished things never changed. Life beats you down to size.

Let down

2009-05-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

Let down

How come I put all my heart and soul into something/someone, all I get back is disappointment...

Maybe I've not done my best. Perhaps I just really am not good enough.

There's irony when I look into the mirror.

Face of Youth

2009-04-12T01:19:00.000-07:00

Face of Youth

Clearly, it's hard to get all that you want. It's been rough and I'm barely making it through the thin thread. I'm mustering every ounce of patience that's inside and I think I'm running dry of it all. It takes a big heart to be understanding and that's what I've been wrestling with for all eternity. I think I'd be afraid to hear what people would have to say if they were given an assignment to critique me. Well for all that it's worth, I've been giving it my best.

Sleep becomes a distant friend. It doesn't help when you're living every moment on your toes. Nothing is more tiring when you have no reason or purpose for the things that you do. Morale seems to be the deciding factor. Sadly there's no other option but to move on. I can only wish time passes by til I'm through.

I think the world hates me.

2009-04-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

If I could have one person...

I'm gonna marry Hayley Williams =P

I think she's the cutest.

Privilege

2009-03-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

Privilege

In the new covenant, they are all priests of God.

In the new covenant, in everyone dwells the spirit of God

In the new covenant, everyone is allowed to come as near as He desires.

Oh how much have I despised Your name, that I have not come to know of it.
You don't NEED me at all. But it is within Your heart of passion that makes You WANT me.

What we are to do is no duty, and no service.
Rather it is privilege given to those who are set apart.
To those who are called Sons and Daughters of the Most High.

Settled

2009-02-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

Settled

There wasn't a reason in sight. No possible explanation for something I was completely unprepared for. I wrestled and turned away.

But you answered as I was hoping intensely you would. I should never have doubted you. I've to have absolute faith in whatever you're doing. You're in control and I surrender.

Man continue to fail me but you never change. In whom can I put my hope in but you ?

Lost

2009-01-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

Lost

I swear there are times and moments like these,
I feel like I'm all alone in the world

Right where I am...

2008-12-19T00:48:00.000-08:00

Right where I am...

God, I'm afraid...

"Have I not commanded you ? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for I, the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Jos 1:9

I feel like I can't do it... I feel inadequate...

"Not that you are competent in yourself to claim anything for yourself, but your competence comes from me." 2 Cor 3:5
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength" Phi 4:13

I'm confused... I feel so uncertain...

"Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge me, and I will make your paths straight" Pro 3:5-6

I can't go on like this...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect when you are weak." 2 Cor 12:9

I'm not so sure it's me...

"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I'm going to the Father" John 14:12

I fear I do not have enough faith...

"Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. I am the same yesterday, today and forever." Heb 13:7

God I feel lonely...

"Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you" James 4:8
"Never will I leave you; nor forsake you" Heb 13:5
"Here I am ! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in and be with you" Rev 3:20

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send ? And who will go for us ?"

And I said, "Here I am."

"Send me"

Isaiah 6:8

Evolvement

2008-12-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

Evolvement

The only ever constant is change and from right where I stand, everything crashing down is pointing to that direction. I think at one point in time we are all bound to discover that we are required to constantly manage the developments of the things around and more importantly, within us. Environment; relationships; problems; skills; achievements; emotions etc. They seem to spiral unpredictably fast, you're running on a sine curve trying to keep up. Some get lost along the way, others just turn stone cold. I'm beginning to question if the human race is meant to be a high breed of evolving mechanism. Everything but physically. I think we are.

Yet at the back of my head, I can only suggest that all these is peripheric to one big idea that we're all here to learn something.

I need to be strong more than anything else.
One more regret in life.

Bigger

2008-11-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Bigger

Where I am now reflects none of what is to be eternal... for the naked eye and mind cannot wrap around what is destined to be a bigger masterpiece.

I count not what I receive at present times and circumstances... but fully know I am being trained for a bigger cause...

For I rest in arms that are bigger than ME

Anguish

2008-10-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Anguish

I just want to sleep

Sleep and never wake up, ever

A little rain

2008-09-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

A little rain

I need to start thinking. Get up and get real... and forcefully get that brain of mine working somehow. This is fairly sophisticated and intricate somewhat... and I wonder where all these is heading to... but in this regard it's starting to resemble a perpetual one-way ticket train ride that boasts of a series of bumps on occasions one too many. I express this shift of attention with pure intent and social graciousness. Though I'm resigned to wasting away the current hours bearing heart on sleeve, blame it on the weather if you must. Yeah blame it on the weatherman.

Caught a brisk glimpse of a young mayan warrior being denied the chance of going beyond his curiosity and discovering the cause of the extensive and vast fear that seem to exude from the escaping tribe. The show's Apocalypto.

Well the thing about fear is that... it is infectious. It makes it's way around like an deadly virus that hasn't met it's cure. At times it's politeness is unbearable it invites itself in almost unknowingly. On the many other occasions it dives in faster than you can say no. I'd like to think it's part of us since day 1... credit to the perception of the mind I'd reckon. This takes the meaning of eccentricity further than I ever thought it would. By far. It hides itself until it's satisfied with the size of the hole it's been digging, and shows up to swallow everything else in.

You see, he refused to let the son be introduced to fear. He hasn't taught him how to fear, only to be feared. He wasn't going to allow that drip of fear find it's way into the son's soul to bear a bigger body. It would probably rip everything from the inside out.

We have our fears. We face our deepest fears. We see them like they've been age old friends who come by ever so often... frequency depending. I've been afraid and I have my fears.

I fear I live by what is false. I'm fearful of being kept in darkness and in ignorance... away from what ought to be real to me. Afraid of not being who I'm meant to be. Feared of being lied to. Tragically fearing the consequences of living in the possible, invisible realm of doubt and deception. My name is what that has been stolen away from me and it is what I need restored to me. The name that will tell me who I am, and who I'm meant to be. Fact of the matter is quicksands do exist. The harder you struggle in one, you faster you sink.

Coach (Ken) Carter:
"What is your deepest fear ?
What is your deepest fear ?"

Timo Cruz:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others... "

-Coach Carter (2005)

Alpha & Omega

2008-09-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

Alpha & Omega

Christ is not the end of problems; He is the start of solutions

He is not the end of pain; He is the start of comfort

He is not the end of poverty; He is the start of sufficiency

Wild At Heart

2008-08-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

Wild At Heart

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly... who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat.

Teddy Roosevelt

Revolution

2008-07-14T01:15:00.000-07:00

Revolution

"As is often said, it's tough to steer a car while it's still parked. God's guidance to a particular ministry is more often a case of hearing his direction while we're moving on what we already know about His great plan: "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (Isaiah 30:21)"

"Because of the elusiveness of this call idea, all kinds of potential cross-cultural workers are sidelined from effectively serving God. They're sitting and waiting for a personal edict from heaven - telling them what they'll be doing, where they'll go, and when they'll see their first convert. And although God wants them in full-time ministry, the edict they expect just might never come. So they wait. And feel restless. Frustrated. A little angry at God's silence. Some may feel guilty - as if they're not spiritual enough to hear a call."

"It's sobering to note that most of those serving God cross-culturally were there for one reason: persecution."

"Martin Luther admitted that although he received great insight into God's will for his life from the Bible and from the counsel of friends, he never received a dramatic call to his lifework. Often, he said, circumstances simple propelled him into God's assignments."

"Why, then, is it so often taught among believers that mission work demands a special call ? Perhaps because so many missionaries refer to the idea. More than 80% of the Western missionaries now on the field say they sensed a "leading" or "call" by God to be a missionary when they were between 10 and 12 years old."

"Are you waiting for some kind of call before you move out to find your strategic niche in God's global plan ? Wait no more. We as God's people have been very clearly commanded, commissioned and called."

"This whole business of asking for special calls to missionary work does violence to the Bible. There is the command, "Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature." We say, "That means other people." There is a promise, "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest." We say, "That means me." We must have a special indication that we fall under the command; we do not ask any special divine indication that we fall under the blessing. By what right do we draw this line of distinction between the obligations of Christianity and its privileges ? By what right do we accept the privileges as applying to every Christian and relegate its obligations to the conscience of the few ?"

"It does violence to the ordinary canons of common sense and honest judgement. We do not think of ordering other areas of our lives on this basis. If I were standing by the bank of stream, and some little children were drowning, I would not need any officer of the law to come along and serve on me some legal paper commanding me under such and such a penalty to rescue those children. I should despise myselft if I should stand there with the possibility of saving those little lives, waiting til, by some legal proceeding, I was personally designated to rescue them !"

"There is something wonderfully misleading, full of hallucination and delusion in this business of missionary calls. With many of us it is not a missionary call at all that we are looking for, it is a shove. There are great many of us who would never hear a call if it came. Somebody must come and coerce us before we will go into missionary work."

"But God had another agenda. In a simple sense He was saying, "I have a higher priority than your security. I have a better plan for your life than staying comfortable. I want to use you to reach the nations, and if you're not going voluntarily, I'll send you."

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I will not look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I am finished and done with the low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth kness, colourless dreams, tamed visions, worldly taking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, or popularity. I do not have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labour by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way rough, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not give up, shut up, or let up. I will go on until he comes, and work until He stops me. I am a disciple of Jesus.

To be saved, cost me nothing
To be a disciple of Christ, cost me everything

Leader

2008-07-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

Leader

A boss says " Go, do it. "

A leader says " Come, let's do it. "

For this cause

2008-04-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

For this cause

I had to pen down a 2 page testimony for the mission trip to Cebu, Philippines which I went on with a team from church. It'd be posted up on my church's website, and I thought I could as well put it up here...

Cebu, Philippines
10th – 17th March, 2008

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

Acts 1:8

The mission trip to Cebu was to be my first with Zion Full Gospel Church. Having developed a great desire to move out and serve in the mission field, I took the faith step of signing up and trusting God to do good things. It was by God’s divine appointment that I found myself part of the team embarking to Cebu, and it was to be a life-changing experience.

In a space of 7 days (and another 10 days in Thailand), I witnessed so much that the blessed majority would never even have known existed. I saw, heard, touched, smelt, and even tasted unimaginably far more than I ever could. It seemed as though we were transported to a whole different world, but yet it was so real. Dwelling among the rejects of society was as real as it gets. Forming a description of what I saw with my bare eyes in words just wouldn’t do it justice. God gave me something no paper, camera or camcorder could ever capture. He lovingly opened my eyes and heart to the great need of His land, to the present generation that is desperate and hungry for justice and truth. It was all etched, imprinted all over my heart. My eyes and heart captured the heartbeat of Christ, and I know His heart beats for His people.

God moves beyond the four walls of the local church. He moves far greater than He possibly could in the comfort of our homes, and I’ve counted it my greatest blessing to have felt and witnessed the manifested presence of the Lord take control out there in the mission field.

Through it all I’ve gained a much wider perspective of what missions really is. It isn’t about how equipped you are with the 4 spiritual laws. Neither is it about how well you know your theology. It definitely isn’t about how well you pray, or how eloquent you may be.

It’s about having a heart that’s willing. It’s about having the heart to say ‘God, I empty myself that you may use me as a vessel. May You take control.’ It’s about investing your lives into other people’s lives. It’s about obeying the call of Christ to bring the message wherever He wants you to, and it’s about expressing the message through action, that people feel the tangible love of God. Christ uses anyone He chooses and He chooses those that humble themselves before the King of Kings, ready to be used as a channel of God’s love. It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, loud or soft, talented or not. God looks for the willing heart.

To know that I was nothing and have nothing when I was out there, was probably the greatest lesson I could possibly carry. For that was when God could truly use me, when I was weak and humbled, and it brings people to know, it wasn’t me but the work of the Holy Spirit. To avail yourself as an empty vessel is the greatest step, and it pleases the Lord.

It is true to say that ‘the harvest is plentiful but the labourers are few’. A great multitude of people are just waiting to receive the Gospel. If we just ask for God to give us that compassion and burden for His people, the Church will grow beyond what we all thought it possibly could. God is limitless and does unimaginably far more than what we could ever comprehend.

I testify to the greatness of my God. My God was faithful in sustaining me and He brought me closer to Himself than even before. To have experienced Him personally is the only thing that is above everything else. So beautiful, to dwell in the sweet presence of the Lord. And I know, the real church I belong to, is the Church out there, where Christ’s heart is.

Ian
Humble Servant
Zion Full Gospel Church
9 April 2008

When I say I'm a Christian

2008-04-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

When I say I'm a Christian

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I’m not shouting “I've been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I was lost. That's why I chose this way”

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble, and need Christ to be my guide

When I say, “I am a Christian” I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak and need His strength to carry on

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I’m worth it

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, “I am a Christian,” I do not wish to judge
I have no authority. I only know I’m loved

The Real Call

2008-04-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

The Real Call

God's probably not crying out for more full time workers;

He's crying out for more full time Christians

Mission's Bell

2008-03-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

Mission's Bell

Every heart with Christ is a missionary;

Every heart without Christ is a mission field

The Lord's vessel

2008-03-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

The Lord's vessel

To cramp 17 days of mission tales in a single go is way out of my hands. It's beyond me. I wouldn't even know where to start, and how to end.

I'm changed and I know it well. God's so real to me, so much more than He ever was. He's so faithful. So very faithful.

What I've seen, heard, felt and touched... even tasted... is out of this world. It's mind blowing... it was unimaginably far more than what I could ever ask for.

And to realize that God planned this down to every detail, especially for me. Tailor-made. It was no accident, nor coincidence. It was divine appointment. My God is real.

I want more Lord. I want more of You.
I want so much more of You.

Spin

2008-03-01T04:50:00.000-08:00

Spin

Sometimes I feel like I know all about you...
yet sometimes I feel like I don't

There are times I have all the trust in you...
yet there are times I'm filled with fear and uncertainty

Sometimes there's nothing whatsoever in between and seemingly nothing can break us...
yet there are also times everything seems so vulnerable

I feel like I'm spinning around

Away from home

2008-01-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

Away from home

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember til' you're home again
You belong to Me

I wonder why I fall in love with such mellow songs.
One wish to hide away from it all.

I wish to say that You belong to me

Hungry

2008-01-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

Hungry

I realized how hungry I've been. How I've tried filling myself with things that do not add up and satisfy. I realized I miss the true Bread of Life. I realized I have a insatiable hunger and desire for Christ and His Word...

and it needs to be fed

I need some help

Gift Exchange

2008-01-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

Gift Exchange

"Make do with what you're given".

That's easier said than done sometimes.

It's not that I despise what God has put in my pair of hands, but from time to time, I can't bear but to think that it's rather superficial. It's not that amazing that I can play music and sing... not like I do it so wonderfully anyway. It runs off... it disappears... and it loses it's effect.

If I could, I'd exchange it for Jason's gift of intellect. If I could, I'd exchange it for Cornelyus's gift of evangelism. Or Fiona's gift of influence. Evan's gift of the Word. Aunty's gift of discipling. Robin's gift of teaching. Khalis's gift of prayer.

But then it's what God has given me.

Unintentonal

2007-12-31T12:47:00.000-08:00

Unintentional

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

Pieces

2007-12-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

Pieces

I'm not so sure anymore who I'm becoming...

I'm not sure who I am anymore...
Turn away
Coz I'm awful just to see

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong

That I'm better off on my own

Real

2007-11-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

Real

We've learned how to make a living... but not a life

We've added years to life... but not life to years

Break my heart for what breaks Yours...

I need something that will make me real

Storm

2007-10-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

Storm

I'm having a war with God now.

How long have I been in this storm ?

I need a new me...

2007-09-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

I need a new me...

I've spent way too much time working... too much time with friends... too much time playing and fooling around... that I've neglected myself... that I never had time for myself... and I never had time for God. I was oblivious to it... but now it's all happening right in front of me... my own life crumbling in front of me... I'm turning into someone I'm not sure ever existed in me...

Vanities of all vanities... everything on earth under the sky the human hand labours for screams out in vain... validation is the natural seed that grows in every human heart... and the world pours out itself to hasten the process... the church was meant to go into the world... now the world has come into the church... the body that was meant to be set apart... this body of mine...

Superficiality is the curse of this generation... how superficial have you and I been. Somehow I'm not an ocean to be discovered or a forest to explore... that much I wish I was... but I think you made me out to be a light that has lost its gleam... a pen that has ran out of ink... I'm just your worse-than-average-1-week kinda guy...

Resolving to take time off was probably the wisest thing I should do. There are people and things that I need to stop seeing... in order that I can start seeing the unseen... the things that last and the things that matter. I had my retreat... I ran until I couldn't anymore... I layed there at the playground... and I spoke. I spoke of the things that I couldn't bear no longer... I spoke of the things that need surfacing... I spoke of the goodness of God. Oh how I needed that time... it was air to me... I needed it to go on... to move on strong and without fear. I needed that time that I could breathe... and now I breathe...

Restore to me God, the joy of your salvation. Breathe your life in me once again... that I may come alive... that I may truly live in the risen Son. I trust and believe in your goodness and grace. I fully acknowledge and submit to the Lordship of Christ over me. I stand humbled and in awe... for how wide and how vast is your creation... that you know no end. I choose to let not emotions and feelings guide and direct me... but by the saving knowledge of your will and plan over my life. I choose not to be prideful, and ever doubt that you hear me... for I believe in your sovereignty and greatness that even my voice you hear. Oh forgive me if I ever blasphemed against you by doubting your love. Teach me and help me to be pure... towards people around me... towards the Lord of Lords. Let me not be deceived by the beauty of the world, and be led to accept the ugly and cursed things overflowing from the one who seduces. I offer much and all to you... for no other greater reason, but to be able to taste and know the fullness of Christ... to come to know my saviour king... to come to know my maker... not for the praise of men... not for the sense of acheivements and accomplishments... but in the glorious hope that in the middle of it all... You may be praised and glorified... that in the middle of it all... I grow in knowledge of my great king... the majesty of the uncreated one. My life has purpose because of what you mean to me... now bring hope to the world God... hope that the world thirsts for...

Come,
Come to my rescue...

Stand In

2007-08-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

Stand In

What is truth ? What are true that aren't lies ? Aren't lies also true ? Truth lies in the eyes of the beholder... and lies are truth to another... so what's gonna count as true or untrue ? How will anyone know the difference when such intricate angles and perspectives come into play...

Truth is defined in it's sincerity in action, character and utterance... the body of real things, events, and facts... a trascendent fundamental or spiritual reality... a judgement, proposition, ideas that are true or accepted as true... the property of being in accord with fact or reality... fidelity to an original or to a standard...

Truth to me is so much more... so much more to understand and grasp... like the famous line... 'you can't handle the truth'... whoever seeks the truth these days ? Such a delicate object to handle... fostering truth and life... I'm afraid I need lies that break and hurt me before I confess and succumb to the truth... and I ask why is the human heart and mind that hard to handle...

And I can't tell if someone is true or not... there's so much in me that wants to trust... there are lines that I will draw... until I'm sure...

True strength comes in weakness... true joy starts from brokeness... true love isn't about feelings... true wealth is gaining what you can never lose... and I lose all things for the sake of my King...

Just returned home after spending some time with Tina. I bumped into her on the bus that I boarded after work... and of course, staying so near to each other, meeting up and talking til late isn't an issue at all for us...

I thank God for this sister of mine... I can share my heart with her... whether it's thoughts or complaints about people and the day... this is what I treasure... something I won't lose for my life... ( I didn't realized we actually talked til 2 a.m =X )

And I've got a eye-candy over at Big O !
I LIKE =)
Work suddenly has an extra motivation

BEAR BEAR COME BACK !!

Doesn't feel like it was before... don't like feeling like I'm your temporal stand in... yeah tell me if you're done with me

You are my Freedom
Jesus You're the Reason

Shadowfeet

2007-08-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

Shadowfeet

I'm either a little not myself right now... or really just being a little too much of myself. Either way... there's inner gravity that's drawing the deep spirit within me. There always seem to have a time that comes around... a time when we require ourselves to be locked up to the solitude devouring our hearts somehow...

I'm pretty much lost to certain things right now. It's a toss up between what's right and what's wrong. Seeing things from a different angle and perspective often brings a whole new light of reasons and truths. Seemingly sometimes, you're stuck in a decision to force your eyes to look at things from a certain way you never would... just so you could achieve greater control.

But in all honesty and wisdom... simplicity is complicated in itself, and complication has simplicity in it. The human mind exceeds all things that measures, all things that claim to understand.

On a lighter note, I found the past week to be one that's most fulfilling and meaningful. I spent the entire week meeting up with freshmen over lunch and drinks. I don't know what it is but it brings about a spirit of thanksgiving and being there to hear and see invokes heaps of encouragement to the soul. This was one week where I was intentional in my meetings and in my fellowships... I felt like I've challenged, not just about service, but more importantly bearing a bigger heart for God and chasing, pursuing a vision. I've given them a goal to work towards to... set their hearts towards greater things... it purely felt like I discipled.

There is so much joy in that... and I told God if I could, I'd do that the rest of my life. That's what I'm chasing, that's what I'm pursuing. God intends to change lives... lives that will take a stand, make a difference and impact other lives... and I want to be part of that somewhere.

Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. That I may gain Christ over all things in heaven and on earth. I worry not my future anymore... for that belongs to Christ.

I live in the risen Son

Higher Calling

2007-06-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

Higher Calling

It's not about how I great I can feel about myself... it's not about what I gain. It's not about getting what I want... nor is it about accomplishing what the world wants me to. It's not about what they want me to be... it's never about me.

It's about fulfilling a greater purpose. It's about a generation of starving people, thirsty people and a dying world. It's about the bigger body... it's about making a difference to one. It's about real people getting real with a real and living God... it's about revolution... it's about taking the stand. It's about chasing the heart of passion... and knowing we were made for it. It's about having a dream... it's about changing lives forever. It's about being the hands and feet... it's about taking control of the future. It's about unity... it's about movements. It's about bringing hope in truth... it's about mending brokeness. It's about reconciliation, it's about building bridges. It's about fighting for a cause... it's about passing the fire onto generations after generations. It's about the one who gave you tears... it's about the one who brought you laughter. It's about capturing the heartbeat of Christ... it's about catching a glimpse of eternity. It's about kicking up storms... it's about changing nations. It's about making an impact... it's about a BIG GOD.

And the difference starts with ME

Soldier

2007-05-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

Soldier

"They won't understand why we do it... they won't understand... it's about the man next to you... and that's it... that's all it is"

Sfc. Norm "Hoot" Gibson
-Black Hawk Down

Few understand me... few understand why I do it... sometimes... even the one that matters the most, don't.

More of me

2007-05-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

More of me

The recent span of events and experiences that ran along with time is undoubtedly causing a stir and leaving a whole lot of mess in me. Nothing will be able to do it justice what I'm about to give you at face value.

This trip has been a one way ticket that allows no reverse... and that's something you've got to learn to take and move on. There has not been a stop sign since forever and I really do doubt there ever will be one. I'm amazed at the fact that I've chanced upon many truths about the side unknown to me, living in me... and it has become very clear, exactly like a reflection upon a mirror. It's something I try to avoid looking at... yet it's presence is screaming loud.

This whole ride has caused me to re-evaluate myself... and so far things are not good. The deep thinker consumes the majority... and too often it leads to over-elaborated reasoning that sounds it's voice in my head. Can anyone ever have such good nature that gives even if it can't ? No one likes to be on the risky side of things... not to mention how much it will hurt when you fall. I guess we all got to take things a little easier. I'm not as strong... not as capable as I thought I used to be.What the world offered were lies and stages that provided scenes to feed your ego. Imagine being brought down to your knees after thinking for years the world of yourself.

I'm facing problems with insecurity... and many times I assume the role of the viewer's eyes. What exactly is there left in me ? Even more so now that I do know this person inside out. I realized I need someone who needs me. I need someone who assures...

There are multiple sides to me that take their place at any given time. I could be laughing and joking and simply being a clown one moment... the next, I'd ignore everyone and pretend I don't see anyone. I won't even feel like talking... and I honestly got a big problem with being too sensitive at times. Oh if someone could save me... I'd rather be void of feelings. And I am weak... so very weak. I obviously need to break free of something.

I wonder when I'll ever be happy

Hope sustains

2007-03-13T03:35:00.000-07:00

Hope sustains

My head screams for my re-aquaintance with the pillow... yet I find myself fighting the heaviness. Talk about false believe in strength and sleep... young and stupid in your teenage years.

The lastest probable history that registers in my head right now was the tremors that wobbled this little city island. For that moment I thought I really really... really should watch my health and catch more sleep... but turned out the ground fooled my senses. Funny how you get that giddy spell and you feel like fainting. But definitely nothing funny about how the effect of the quake actually gets to you... just think of how massive it was... must have been destruction full force...

Good to say I'm done with the IT fair. 4 days of insanity... conveniently consuming all my hours and energy. Nothing closer to a broken tape recorder that spins itself back and forth... hell at least I've extended my umbrella of experiences of the "outside world". If there's a tone of bitterness associated with my sentiments right now please disregard... all apologies... but no love at all for jam packed mad rush for something that adds up to nothing.

Words continue to fail me...

Well boys will be boys. We love to build... create... fix... things. Once in a while we get taken back to that child's heart... familiar rhythmic beating of piecing together a masterpiece. The nature of it all lays itself flat down rooted to the core... I fix broken things... but not every thing can be mended. Yet there's every possibility of that, that I've found in redemption.

My hands were never made to fix... my hands were only made to serve, for something I've made broken.

I guess every one needs something great... something significant... that adds skin to your soul... and flesh to your bones.

Recognising the fact that you've definitely crept into my mind and staying there.

Robbed

2007-02-16T11:38:00.000-08:00

Robbed

I spend each day watching time crawl away.
Wishing it would run away.
Like my life's been stolen away. Robbed.

There's no meaning.
There's no joy.

My heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be Your name"

My favourite part of Chinese New Year; mandarin oranges =)

Don't ask...

2007-02-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

Don't ask...

Great.

Nothing ever goes right

Jeers and boos...

2007-02-02T16:46:00.000-08:00

Jeers and boos...

The Thais are a bunch of losers.

Do stunt for who to see ? You still have another full game to play back in your home ground lah, suckers. Even kids get on better in life than you... and girls as well (oops).

Eh, my life is turning into one big HK drama series.

Yes I bet some of you know why. *sheepish smile*

Maybe Mr. need to be more low profile...

And live jazz bands rock. Cheers.

Center of the spin...

2007-01-29T18:01:00.000-08:00

Center of the spin...

Yeah.

Exams are just steps away but I'm here wasting away. I need some m-o-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n (such an aggravation). The thing I can't believe is that soon, I'll be in my final year. It honestly felt like yesterday that I enrolled into SP. This is bad... I've not had enough fun yet.

Now crusaders have a new hang out place. In a space of one month, I've had SIX visits from them at the restaurant. That is an extremely high rate, any way you see it. It feels like everytime I work, I'm sure to have friends come dine at my workplace. My parents came last night for dinner when I was working too... whoo~~! I'm a blessed boy.

The pressure of being an ST in ministry has been catching up with me fast, even though my term hasn't even started... feel it rising up to the neck. Sometimes they don't understand that we're afterall... just students. And we really have our own life to handle... I wish I was as perfect as you all want me to be.

Today Nesh called me aside and commended me for my good performance at work, and even gave me extra incentives. I don't know what I did that was so different from the rest... we all do the same work... but I guess it must be God granting me favour in the eyes of my superiors. I'm pretty sure I just did my job to the best I could... because I did it for the Lord.

What about ministry ? I wonder when's the last time, a personal talk from top down was purely to recognise some good thing we did... not just to talk about us doing something wrong that needs immediate change.

Disappointment ?

I hate having to go for attachment. Shiet.

Peace

I hear you

Tear down the temple

2007-01-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

Tear down the temple

All that comes to my mind is,

"Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days"
-John 2:19

This rebuilding work is painful.

"If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales ! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas- no wonder my words have been impetuous. The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God's terrors are marshalled against me. Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass, or an ox bellow when it has fodder ? Is tasteless food eaten without salt, or is there flavour in the white of an egg ? I refuse to touch it; such food makes me ill."

"Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off ! Then I would still have this consolation- my joy in unrelenting pain- that I had not denied the words of the Holy One. What strength do I have, that I should still hope ? What prospects, that I should be patient ? Do I have the strength of stone ? Is my flesh bronze ? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me ?

"Does not man have hard services on earth ? Are not his days like those of a hired man ? Like a slave longing for the evening shadows, or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages, so I have been allotted months of futility, and nights of misery have been assigned to me. When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up ?' The night drags on, and I toss till dawn. My body is clothed with worms and scabs, my skin is broken and festering. My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again. The eye that now sees me will see me no longer; you will look for me, but I will be no more. "

"As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so he who goes down to the grave does not return. He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more. Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard ? When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning."

"What is man that you make so much of him, that you give him so much attention, that you examine him every morning and test him every moment ? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant ? If I have sinned, what have I done to you, O watcher of men ? Why have you made me your target ? Have I become a burden to you ? Why do you not pardon my offenses and forgive my sins ? For I will soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I will be no more. "

"I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to opress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the schemes of the wicked ? Do you have eyes of flesh ? Do you see as a mortal sees ? Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a man, that you must search out my faults and probe after my sin- though you know that I am not guilty and that no one can rescue me from your hand ?"

"Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me ? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again ? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews ? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit. But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind: If I sinned, you would be watching me and would not let my offense go unpunished. If I am guilty- woe to me ! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction. If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion and again display your awesome power against me. You bring new witnesses aginst me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave. "

"Why then did you bring me out of the womb ? I wish I had died before any eye saw me. If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave ! Are not my few days almost over ? Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and deep shadow, to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness."

-Book of Job

Help me from my sins

Pet peeve

2007-01-08T01:03:00.000-08:00

Pet peeve

Okay.

The computer crashed and every single freaking thing I had inside is gone. All the songs, photos, documents, videos etc. That is really the crappiest thing to ever happen. Super upset. I rate that one of the top 5 shittiest thing to ever happen to a guy in his lifetime. It's like... worse than failing an exam !! Or losing a soccer match !! Darn. I'm UPSET.

I really hate it too when those blind customers snap their fat fingers at me to take their orders, right when I'm struggling with heaps of plates in my hands. Do I look like I have 4 hands !?!? We as service staff just want to serve you the best that we can, honestly. But it doesn't help when you act like idiots.

So many late nights recently. Went siao night with Josel and Fiona at Orchard til 4 a.m. I forgot my keys and I had to climb in through the kitchen window when I got home. Stunt. It was great times with them. Appreciate the friendship sisters.

I think at this juncture of time, God is destroying me. He is tearing every part of me. Only to rebuild me again. I'll let Him.

I'm seriously not in the right condition to start school.

You own the universe
You own everyone on earth

Slip foot

2007-01-03T14:59:00.000-08:00

Slip foot

How much actually happened in such a short time... plenty I'd guess. I remembered the caroling at Esplanade. Honestly all I remembered that night was us trying to stay awake, and walking one big round and ending up back at City Hall. How marvelous.

Christmas period for me was all work. I guess I didn't mind because there was the Meta camp to look forward to on boxing day. If I were asked to rate how much the camp rawked, I wouldn't jump to give an answer. Perhaps I expected more... I think we all did. But well, I really loved the omega night. I thought that was the best. I enjoyed Project X too. I was simply amazed at how God worked right in front of my eyes.

Project X is an event in the camp where all the conferees are sent out to all over the nation to do street witnessing. Melissa and I went to Bedok and somehow we decided to sneak into Pasir Ris Secondary which was really near the Mrt to share the Gospel with students. The first miracle happened when we saw a piano in the canteen. To others it probably wouldn't have meant a thing, but for Melissa I think she saw the realness of God. Here's the thing; just the day before, she was jokingly complaining about getting withdrawal symptoms because of the few days that she hasn't been able to lay hands on a piano... fingers feeling the itch apparently. She even contemplated going into some Yamaha store to satisfy her craving during Proj X. I mean... how often do you actually see a piano placed right in the middle of a secondary school canteen ?? And there it was, a piano right in front of us... in a school which we should'nt even have been allowed to enter. God is so good. I stood amazed. Well she played and sang 'Why'... I stood amazed at that too. Hahah. She's got a voice that's mesmerizing.

We waited but because it was school holidays, there weren't students for us to share with. Somehow we decided to wait, and then 4 guys walked into the canteen. I went up to them and I tell you, from all the many times I've shared the Gospel with people, this was best experience I ever had sharing the Gospel. The guys were so friendly, one of them even showed us a magic trick as entertainment. How darn cool is that. Found out that he was already a Christian, and when he shared his life testimony, I was so encouraged. I didn't have to share mine because his friends would have already seen Christ in him. Now that's what our vision is all about, 'So that every student will know someone who truly follows Jesus'. We managed to share with a total of 8 people that day, and we really saw God's providence.

That night when the entire camp gathered back, we saw a total of 65 people receiving Christ across the nation. Praise Jesus ! The harvest out there is plentiful man... people are just waiting for that someone to share their faith with.

Apart from all those, I remembered serving in the camp as worship leader. I had imagined myself being so excited to talk about my experience leading the worship session at night with a band in front of 500 over youths crazy for God. But now all I face is reluctantness as I recall about the experience. It was a really humbling time for me. I didn't feel any ownership about the session that I led, but I had to submit to the leaders. I could only pick 1 song, so the whole thing wasn't personal to me, and I ended up not enjoying it at all. Worst still, I couldn't really feel the 2 songs that were chosen for me, so it felt like I was just singing them through without heart. But I learnt at the end of it all, worship isn't about how I feel, because worship ultimately is for God, not for me. I wondered how many people actually could worship freely that night... I couldn't... I think I seriously screwed up. So much I had to do in just 15 mins... how great. I was so looking forward to it... but what I thought would be one of the best experience for me, turned out to be one of the worst. God You're still worthy of praise. May I be decreased so that you can increase.

I thank God for the entire year. This has been one whole amazing year. I'm grateful of how God changed me from the person I was. Right from the beginning til the end. I've so many accounts I wouldn't be able to write them all down. It is truly truly indescribable... every single experience that God has put me through. Truly the desires of this world will fade away, but the man who does the will of the Lord lives forever. I've slowly learnt to sacrifice all that I have. This life is not mine to live, but God's. And that's the way it will be this year again, and the next, and forevermore.

This is no sacrifice.
Here's my life

Deeper

2006-12-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

Deeper

Today has been just weird. Nothing felt really right. Something felt amiss... felt empty. The kind of feeling you get when you leave the house and the biggest feeling that you left something behind important lingers right inside of you. Maybe not. Today is just the kind of day I wouldn't be in hurry to remember.

I'd like to forget. I'd like to forget who I really am. Maybe then I'd learn to love myself more... the colours are fading... slow yet fast.

I want to tell you everything inside.

The Highness Effect

2006-12-07T22:59:00.000-08:00

The Highness Effect

You know you have it when your blood is rushing and you get so jumpy and so excited and so everything else and it's hard to contain. So high... like a drug man.

It happens when I talk about the worship band. It happens when we're worshipping and praising God together... happens when we're talking about the future and how we're going to use our lives to serve God... highness...

I call it the "Highness Effect". Had it just now when Josel, Joel and I were talking. Suddenly the idea came to go busking along Orchard Rd during the Christmas period after our gathering. Accapella and dance and worship songs and carolls and instruments... HIGHNESS... just talking about it was so exciting... euphoric.

Overnight prayer was good. Oh I loved the worship. Yes it was highness too. It was an honour to be playing with the other musicians, all so great in their own ways. Gotta love the all the jumping and shouting and praising... if only every worship we had were like that.

Let's get together for FOP next year lah !!

Oh yeah... The Highness Effect

Peace & Love.

Cancer

2006-11-27T00:55:00.000-08:00

Cancer

You can't avoid it when a song comes and take control of your veins... stays there like a leech. Gosh it rings over and over again...

This song is about a cancer patient facing his last days... just can't keep it out...

And I think I've got cancer of the heart.

Three different times God showed me the dead. Mummies, tombs and graves... there's definitely some part of me dying... some part of me leaving me

I'm made to be a man... so I am to guard and protect, not to steal and indulge... I'm to give and serve, not to covet and desire. Some things are only truly sincere when deliberately left unsaid... the pain and agony is gripping... just as is childbirth, the struggle precedes joy. I'm only left to trust... trust in what means the world to me.

Turn away, coz I'm awful just to see

Got more ?

2006-11-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Got more ?

Okay...

I just have to say this. We got the biggest tip ever on Friday night. 9 dollars !! SHIET. Some birthday girl gave 50 bucks as tips... I ain't complaining.

Okay, I think that's all.
Peace.

Madly

2006-11-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

Madly

Alright...

Here's the thing... it goes beyond reasoning why the past week for me has been way down in the dumps. Possibly not the best of times to get blown off track... picking myself up. Somehow feeling subdued and defeated... all my body tells me to do is watch the time crawl away. I was out of sorts... very defeated in fact. I was crying out for something more... I wanted to be in awe everyday... still do.

Praise God though... in the midst of the quietness of confusion, I managed to pen a song. I knew it was nothing like what I've done before. This one's in it's own league. Especially when all the truth that lies deep in my emotions that I was feeling at that moment spilled out completely. Guilt... soul unrest... questions... hunger... hatred... I can't even begin to describe it.

Pouring out all I have unto God... empty me... I confess I need You

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

Iris

2006-11-06T00:48:00.000-08:00

Iris

I can only watch you from afar
You're the one who blossoms everyday

Like an angel from the Heavens
I can only watch you from afar

And I don't want the world to see me
'Coz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And the glory forever is Yours

Yellow Brick Road

2006-10-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yellow Brick Road

The journey kicks off again... well, low and behold, a fortnight just flew past. It started rather abruptly, but I ain't complaining. It's way better getting to set foot on a fresh term in school... wouldn't say I had the best of rest, but definitely a good break away. No one's gonna loathe the fun time we have with the guys... and I'm enjoying it all for sure. The laughter just infects your stomach and jaw.

Been investing a whole lot of effort to stay paralleled with the syllabus. I've no intention whatsoever to get left way behind again and affecting my results. Suddenly the word 'diligent' isn't so far away and unreal. Let's hope 'consistency' comes into play before I get lost midway through again.

And oh yes, I can smell the air... a brand of Indonesian scent I must add. Like how Kelvin proudly and loudly proclaimed, "Indonesia !! I can SMELL YOU !!"

It's hard to get it straight. Outside it's silent... it's distant and neglected. Inside it's a whole different story. The storms raging... all in disarray, and my book is filled with unsent letters. It's the confusion that inspires... sprinkled all over with emotion. I want to be the one who protects. I want to be the one who guards... This time it speaks a different story, but all coming from the same deceitful heart. I made my way past the twisted ending... and I'm here yet again, standing before a mysterious ocean. Still, I'm caught in Your grace. It's a river that flows within. I'm staring straight at it, trying to figure out the spring that comes from it. You're a mystery and I'm caught by your stillness. I'll watch you from the mountain top, and it will only take a second to say goodbye. It's a road less travelled... still I'll catch the splendor that's flowing from Your throne. It's all that matters.

Where I lose myself,
I will find You're all I need

Liberated Joy

2006-09-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

Liberated Joy

What an action-packed week or so I had... and I don't think it's ending just yet !! I'm definitely living it good though.

The frenzy kicked off with the Poly Summit last week. I thought it was a great experience and I'm taking back what I ought to... not leaving anything behind. The men's retreat followed right after and it was pure relaxation in that one... well at least for me I guess. Spent good times with all the guys... always nice and fun with the brothers. Good times. God nudged me in my heart a little that night at the retreat and it forced me to rethink about certain issues about myself. I was shaken but it's His grace that things are revealed to me when He opens my spiritual eyes. All is good though. God is always good.

On Saturday, I left early in the morning right after the retreat. From GCTC all the way to Maris Stella to conduct the promotional test for the cadets. I can tell you I was still in a blur. I was in no condition to sit through 23 cadets doing a 10 min short case but thank God I pulled through. Talking about St.John's, Deliang's getting married in October !! Hahah. That's great.

It was church on Sunday, and maybe I'm slowly adapting. There's more still, so much more to desire. But I don't want to be ahead of God. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I volunteered for babysitting at the Bill Lawrence Conference for the staff. Those were the best times. I went with xiao mei and the kids are adorable. Little terrors actually. I never knew how draining it was to keep the kids entertained and keeping up with them. After 3 days of monkeying around with them, it felt weird that it all came to and end. Oh I miss those times. I had the best time.

Wednesday night was the freshmen outing at Marina Bay. I've been thinking about bringing them out but one of them took the initiative to organise a steamboat buffet so that was encouraging. It was meant to be just the freshmen but somehow Tina and I joined them. Hahah. It was a time to bond the juniors and hopefully this will help the others get assimilated.

Then there was the ST planning retreat on Thursday. 1 entire day of it. Now that's long. The ministry barbeque at East Coast yesterday was... wet. And cold. Would it sound funny that I was shivering while I was barbequeing ? That's a first for me. Got totally soaked in the sea... so there went my handphone too. Slipped my mind and my handphone went for a dip with me too. I don't care but I loved the time when the few of us worshipped to the music. The praise songs were playing and we danced and jumped and sang and worshipped. How liberated, and that's what I love about it. Why care about how people looked at us ? I care about how God looks at me.

I get visions from God, but then it's not easy being confident about it, or even interpreting it. Especially when it's so weird. Is there hurt in the ministry ? Bleeding in the hearts ? Even so, what do I do ? What's next ?

God I seek You.

Lost and Found

2006-09-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

Lost and Found

The past few days have been pretty much a roller-coaster ride. Almost literally. It's incredibly nice to go on a holiday with your mates and just let loose. For 3 days I didn't need to worry about anything but just having as much fun as I could... that's the life.

The first day at Genting was my birthday and it turned out to be a pleasant surprise for me. I was honestly anticipating some sort of "hell" from the boys, but what they did made me a happy boy. They paid for my dinner, surprised me with a chocolate cake, and even had a birthday gift for me. Priceless. Wasn't prepared for that at all. Thanks guys.

God has blessed me with the most precious thing on this earth, and it's His love... and He gave it through my friends and closed ones. That gift alone is enough for me.

Like I said, almost literally, it was a roller-coaster ride. Been a while since I've actually flew in one. Hahah. It was great. But the prize has to go to the Space-Shop. That one was out of this world. Takes your breath away. It was super funny anyway, all the dumb things we did on the rides. We caught a midnight show Snakes On A Plane, and it's quite a dumb show. Seriously, the director just probably just wanted to have fun with snakes and decided to go along with a lame storyline. On the last night, the guys went to the disco but Nic and I chose not to go. Stayed in the hotel room watching movies on the laptop. Heard from them after that that the smell of smoke was really strong and there were girls who will throw themselves at you on the dancefloor.

The view on the mountains was great though. It reminded me of "fortresses" as I looked at the surroundings. God's words are like mountains, strong and mighty. Build your life upon His word, and He builds a fortress in you. It felt like I was in heaven. Clouds beneath my feet and so close I could taste it. Half the time the entire place was engulfed in clouds and you couldn't see outside. Glimpse of heaven maybe.

Then there was the Survivor camp. Gosh it was so tiring. First day was at Ubin. First half of the day was pretty fun but later on the heavy rain just disrupted everything. It was super funny also in the group. Hahah. We got to our campsite at Noordin Beach in the evening and it just continued to pour the whole time. We couldn't do much but hide under the little shelter. It carried on until the night and as early as 8 pm, we could have our own time. It was insanely cold at night and I was shivering til the morning. But it was really cool anyway, in the other sense of the word. Bunch of people stuck on an island in the heavy rain with no proper lightings and only a small shelter to hide under. That doesn't happen eveyday. We pitched a few tents though so some of us could sleep in them.

The next day, it was urban Singapore. That was really crazy. The tasks we had to do to win the game... can cry. I was aching all over, and as soon as I reached home, I hit the bed after a nice warm shower.

Survivor camp on the whole was cool. But as I look back, I can't help but feel a tinge of regret flowing inside of me. I know for a fact that some of us could have done more. I know I could have done more. I'm talking about the night where we were stuck in the heavy rain. There was nothing to do, people were mingling around, attending to their own things. That shouldn't be what the camp is like. After dinner, the few of us started to lead in praises and worship to our God, but in the end only the few of us were singing. I guess we weren't really leading coz we decided to start singing in our group and hopefully people will join in. I don't know what it was but we daren't step out to lead the camp. Fear ? Awkwardness ?

There could not have been a better time than that. The big group of God's children under a shelter, heavy rain pelting down in the coolness of the night, and the only source of light coming from candles lit. What a time it was to praise God. What a time it was to experience God's presence out in the "wilderness". It was a God given chance. It was an opportunity for us to have an encounter with God. I'm so sure God didn't send the heavy rain just to spoil our fun. He probably wanted to divert our attention to Him.

But we blew it... missed it. When the time came for our spirits to be united, we didn't. There is a definite lack of unity in spirits and hearts for God. And I wonder too, where the passion is. I didn't see it. I didn't see the zeal, the hunger, the thirst and desperateness to experience God and to worship Him. Everyone was just so dead. And when we were high, it was for the wrong reasons. We were just high on having meaningless fun. I thought we should be high on God...

Of course I'm praying that the next time such an opportunity comes, we won't miss it. Turning the regret into motivation. Praying for more daring hearts, and definitely for God to move us in a way only He can. God definitely deserves better from His children.

You deserve better
You deserve nothing but the best

17 til I die

2006-08-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

17 til I die

There's something different about me now as I'm typing this... oh how I dread to say it, but yeah... I'm 18. Crap. Doesn't feel very wonderful at all. Hahah. Always 17 at heart though... always 17 at heart *beats chests with clenched fists*

Bunking in at Yong Jie's house right now with a few of the guys. Leaving for Genting later and looking forward to it all. Where the fun is, we'll be there... you can count on it. And then Survivor Camp right after ? People talking me into going for it. Wonder how I'm going to actually survive the Survivor camp. Talk about irony. Hahah. I'll probably need a first-aider for myself.

Oh and yet again, "mr. cute" is safe in Singapore Idol for another week. Why Nurul ? She CAN actually sing... and she's cute too. (get Jasmine out please). I realised I actually LOVE malay songs. I loved Belaian Jiwa... Taufik did it the last time. And now the ones Hady and Nurul did were excellent man. Especially Hady's one. He should win it.

Am I glad the exams are over and done with. Since aunty's desperately insisting I blog about her, I shan't. But come to think of it, by blogging about not wanting to blog about aunty because she wants to be blogged about, is already blogging about her... hmm. Nevermind. Hahah. I had a great dinner with her right after my last paper, and it was a great time aunty !! Looking forward to more of those. I had some time with Josel too yesterday for lunch. It was good times too. Always wonderful to be spending time sharing with one another and encouraging each other along, though most of the times nonsensical chatter and laughter cloud the conversations.

Thanks to those who sent those birthday wishes. Really appreciate all of them. Never actually had so many people wishing me happy birthday for all the birthdays I had before. Hahah. I just pray my classmates won't do anything "nice" to me later in the day. Especially at Genting in the hotel rooms at night. Tread carefully and I'll be fine... give me a peaceful birthday please. No tau pok, no stripping, no bashing, and definitely NO TICKLING ME. I'll just scream. Thanks.

I love You Jesus. Thank You for always protecting me, guarding me under the shadow of Your wings. Nothing can snatch me away from the palms of Your hands. Though I can't see it, I know the battles You have with the Enemy. It's real... it's chaotic... it's ugly. Every drip of blood You pour over me protects me against the very fingers the Enemy tries to lay on me. I thank You Jesus, and I want You to continue to be always fighting for me, guarding my heart and my soul. I give You my all.

It's way too "early" in the morning, and I'm going to get some rest.
Much love to all.
Peace.

Star-struck

2006-08-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

Star-struck

Okay, I think it doesn't take a fool to realize that Singaporeans just simply do not know how to vote properly in a certain "singing" competition. Notice I'm not even sure if it's a "singing" competition anymore.

Goodness... does it really mean that "performing monkey" can sing better than Rahimah and Mathilda ? What's the world, or rather, Singapore coming to !? I can't understand what's so "cute" about this guy that girls are going crazy over him, pouring out their votes on him. How come he doesn't get hate-mail and threats like Jerry last time around when he obviously can't prove he's good enough for the competition ? Okay I shan't be mean and say he can't sing for nuts (but it's obvious he can't), but definitely he is in no way in the same league as the other contestants, more so the ones who got ousted out.

Hady Mirza please you gotta win this man !! All the way bro. Behind you always, but I won't be voting, coz I can't see myself wasting the money and votes... I'm a typical Singaporean you see... eh... so I see !! No wonder the competition's screwed up !! It's not the way Singaporeans vote, but the way Singaporeans DON'T vote. I've not been voting but I've been complaining... the irony of it all. HAHAH !!

I'm still so not gonna vote...

I kinda like this.

August baby -
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer.Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring.Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent Strong willed. A fighter.

I'd say that's about 60% true.

But the name I'm seeking is more than just these. Only God can show me my name. The man he created inside of me and planned for.

3 down, 2 more papers to go. I wanna start burning all my module notes and tutorials... just for kicks. Oh I'm so in need of my precious sleep. Love it and missing it.

So looking forward to the holidays... gonna embrace it real tight. Looking forward to the Genting trip with my classmates !! Great to be in a class that's bonded as a whole. I thank God so much for this class of friends.

I've got a Saviour that is living in me
And the world will never take,
The world will never take You away

Mighty to Save

2006-08-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

Mighty to Save

Will you give me that strange look if I say I love my country ? I've said it before, and yeah I do love my country. God put me here for a reason and I'm so blessed to be where I am. There's no place in the world like this... BUT... I know my God will never limit me to this space. And that is my dream to travel round the world, to the ends of the earth, to bring people to God or closer to God. Just wait and see, cause my God is big. In my heart though, Singapore will always be home.

FOP this year felt different. CCC Worship Band was over the top... lose myself in worship and praise for God... it was great. Some of my friends walked away in disgust when they came on. Hahah. (Why Joel !?!) Their songs just get stuck in your head. "Great is our God... Oye Oye Oye !!"

Exams are coming and I need need need to study... but I can't even sit still for an hour for crying out loud. Someone really ought to point a gun at my head... hmm maybe that won't even help. Argh just shoot me in the leg, I'll probably then start to obediently study while weeping in pain.

I want to give glory to God because recently, I'm beginning to realize how God provides and takes care of my needs. Not exactly in the best of... money times... always striving on what I have. My eldest brother's the one providing me with pocket money nowadays, and I can't expect too much from him. Constantly nagging about how useless I am, laying around at home and not getting a job to earn my own pocket money. I wish I needn't live off him and provide for myself, but I can't let anything get in the way of my studies and more importantly, my service for God. Definitely these things will suffer a great deal if I had to work at the same time. When I tell him I'm too busy with my Christian CCA in school, I get the look. You know that look. The one that says "Goodness me, Christian nonsense. *Rolls eyeballs, smacks palm onto forehead*"

But God is good. Everytime I see my money slowly diminishing to zero, I start to worry about where's the money going to come from, or how I'm going to ask for it. I really hate asking money from my Dad, and more still my brother. Everytime they ask if I need cash, I'd say no when in actual fact, I do. But the money's coming from everywhere !! Just recently I was left with little money to survive... then almost all at the same time, God used people to provide me with the necessities. My god-dad gave me 50 bucks and on the following day, my brother transfered another 50 to my account. And just today, my cousin gave me 50 bucks. The most unusual source of money I must say !! I couldn't accept the money from my cousin but he told me to take it coz my dad often gave him cash when he was young. OKAY LOR. The best thing is that the money's coming in bits from different people, rather than having a main ATM providing the bulk of the money.

And eh... if anyone's looking for a tuition teacher... call me. I want your money.

Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save

My shooting star

2006-08-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

My shooting star

I went for my midnight jog on saturday night and it was great. Been a while since I did that... but the most amazing thing happened. As I lay down on the playground looking at the stars in the open, I saw a shooting star !! No bullshit. It swept across the sky with a brightly golden lit trail. Just for that second it appeared after I prayed to God. I still can't believe I saw an actual shooting star... it's not everyday that you get to see one. It made me smile really. I saw the finger of God drew across the night sky.

I've been fighting and I reckon I'm doing fine. It may not be what I wanted but God will set my heart right. Align me to His heartbeat, that's what I desire. More than anything, I'm ready to throw off the ropes that held me. By the grace of God my cup will be filled and it will overflow. I'm winning the slow and long fight, moulded and changed each step. A holy instrument that will glorify You... You are more than enough for me.

I know I'm very suah-gu... but I still can't believe I saw a shooting star.

Free

2006-07-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

Free

I want to fly away,
I want to be free

I want to be someplace where no one knows me

Waiting in patience...

2006-07-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

Waiting in patience...

Italy, world champions. Pretty glad about that... The Azzurri's triumph over Les Bleus... what irony. Blue over Blue... just a matter of language. Anyway, blue's the colour to go.

Prayer Life Meeting's finally over and I've got more breathing space now. Not exactly actually... there's still a jungle out there. It was alright... I had fun leading worship... love love love it. On the other hand, I don't really know if I have what it takes. Do I really have this gift ? Being able to sing and play the guitar doesn't make me a worship leader. I want people to experience God and so far, I really don't know how I've been doing. Still seeking for answers... wanna see God do something crazy.

Poly50 was da bomb man. High on finishing the entire race... it was a great time of bonding for the crusaders. Really had alot of good fun... nothing can top that off.

Hit the malls with xiao mei yesterday at suntec. It was my treat on ice-cream... much love from da ge okay. Now I truly see the reality of simplicity and innocense. Some people you can just hit it off so well... some you just can't no matter how hard you try.

Argh it sucks to get stuck in something like that. I don't know how long it would actually carry on this way... let God open the doors. Been feeling rather dry spiritually this week. Have not been hearing from God... I want to experience his closeness again... yet so tired and weary. Very much stranded on the desert again...

WenBing I finally updated =P
Thanks for calling me a PIG...

Time vortex

2006-06-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

Time vortex

Finally... I'm so done with MSTs. The weeks building up to it and the MST week itself was killing me. No wonder they said we'd never live through our sophomore year. Feeling the fatigue catching up on me, and I'm so j-j-jaded. And the worst part ? I'm so sure I screwed all the papers. Crap... pillow's screaming for our re-aquaintance.

Kitty's grown so much, she's just a big piece of meat lying around nowadays... still biting, still scratching... still getting busy over nothing. Cats nowadays...

I can't actually believe half a year has already flown by. It's insane. It just slips past you. Everything seems to be more real now, ever since the time the world didn't seem to have much to offer, until I got thrown into this time vortex. Been spinning alright. And it's not been stopping really. Like the exponential expansion of a balloon... it only gets bigger... and better.

Fact still remains for me that time seems to attenuate everything. Yeah, it goes right down your throat at first but after that, you wouldn't even remember how it felt. Man how I'm wishing for that time to come now, coz I'm so stuck on the prior time frame. Well at least it keeps me on earth and makes everything real. Gosh I wish you'd know. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul... I'd gladly let you see through me.

I can't stop falling in love with you
I'll never stop falling in love with you

To the Ends of the Earth

2006-06-17T03:29:00.000-07:00

To the Ends of the Earth

I'm at Sun Plaza Macs now, apparently trying to study and watch the World Cup games at the same time. Haha. The best thing's that Vincent's the manager here and he's working overnight. "Extra service" available, if you get what I mean. Evil laughter. My mind isn't working at this hour so I'm taking a break away from all the notes and tutorials.

Came back from 25 hours camp on Wednesday. It was cool man. I have a little sister now !! Haha. Annabel is just super cute. You'd never imagine she's 17, coz she looks like a Primary 6 student and behaves like one too !! I really admire her as well for her simple outlook of life. She is ALWAYS smiling and laughing, it's so contagious. But yeah, I just adore her. The cool thing is that I've always wanted a younger sister, and she on the other hand, always wanted a big brother !! Perfect match I must say. We really connected, and yeah, *gou gou finger*, you'll always be my only xiao mei. Haha.

The camp was great, and I think it made all of us more convicted to God. But the best thing about the camp was that I got to see the beauty of God's creation. You don't need to see oceans part or Man walking on water to know God does miracles. The people I've known and gotten closer to are God's miracles for me. People that I know I'll never forget in my life. People I know I'll never have to forget, coz they're truly God's people.

Though I went away from the camp quite disappointed over something, it doesn't really matter coz I know I've gained more than I've lost. It's not easy being a leader in the group, especially when I really wanted to do it right and good. I've learnt alot though.

Life is so great.
Would be better with you.

Kitty power

2006-06-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

Kitty power

Quite an unexpected thing happened on Tuesday. I went out for a run at about 1 a.m, and while running along the road, I heard a wailing of a kitten. So I ran across the road to the divider and found a little kitten under the bushes. I carried it home and fed it milk and bread. Haha. I had nothing else. It is just simply adorable.
Look at her on my laptop !! She's really small and she's the cutest thing on earth. I was really super surprised my dad doesn't mind me keeping her. But I found out too that size doesn't matter. You should see how much she poops and pisses every day. Woah.
She likes sleeping on the bed so now at nights, I have a new sleeping partner. Haha. Nice to cuddle. And she loves kisses too. Haha.

Today's the Global Day of Prayer, but I didn't go down coz it was Zone Competition. It was something I was looking forward to since a year ago when we lost.

This time round I battled as a trainer. Well, my boys got 2nd in AC category out of 7 teams this year, and AA lost AGAIN. Who else but the HaiSians winning first. This year they freaking sweep all 4 again.

Though we didn't win, I was actually really very happy and proud of my boys. Winning isn't everything and we keep a policy of sending fresh blood to competitions, because ultimately, we want them to experience and learn something from it. Some corps are just so desperate to win they keeping sending the same old faces over and over and over again. They totally take away the reason for competition and make it so bland and one-sided.

Can you imagine GESS actually had the face to send a "cadet" who's actually already studying in poly, to take part in the AC category !!?!? The worst thing was that he was holding a Cadet Leader rank !! My gosh. Even our AA team led by John is younger than that guy. How amazing. Haha. But well, we won them !! We got 2nd and my boys are just Corporals and Lance Corporals. Even I will feel embarrased.

Let's not even talk about the master corps of all recycling teams. Always the same old story every year. They should just turn into full time first aid competitors. John was so upset he cried. I almost cried too when I saw him cry. But it was expected. The AA team was formed only 1 week before the comp becoz of some circumstances, and still they willingly volunteered to fight for our corps. It was important becoz we need it to maintain CAA gold. It was a new team who've never worked together before, and only had 4 trainings. Still I'm very proud of them becoz they gave their best. At least we were assured of getting 2nd because there's only 2 teams. Helps alot in our CAA. Well, I guess Hairianto & Co already decided to join back again coz they so desperately want the National Best. I hope they win this year man. Go guys.

All the sweat and blood training the AC team since last year, feels like it didn't go to waste at all. Though they're so green in the field, they put up a good fight and managed 2nd. Glen even got 2nd best leader behind Hairianto. So proud of them. They did everything that they've been taught. Just thought that they actually deserved the champion trophy, comparing to how HaiSing AC did. But I'm not the judge, so, 2nd it is.

Well done boys.

Seek the truth ...

2006-05-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Seek the truth ...

I had my first DG with my disciples on Monday. Was supposed to have combined DG with Wen Bing but her disciples couldn't turn up at the last minute. I could see the sadness on her face. It just tore me as well. It really hurt more than it should... for some reason.

Anyway, Amos and Ricky came and I'm really thank God for both of them. We shared about ourselves to get to know each other better. Both of them are of the same age as me, and that's quite stressful for me. I don't know why. Worse still, they have been in Christ longer than I have been. Kinda makes me feel a little inferior but I'll give as freely as I've received !! Though I've only got 2 confirmed disciples, I'll start small but think big !! I really hope that I can be a worthy shepherd to them.

Today was the Da Vinci Code magazine mass distribution. I blogged about it a few months ago when I got hold of the first copies. Anyway we had 14,000 magazines coming to us, so that today, we could bless the campus, in a bid to counter the Da Vinci Code movie which was released yesterday. The school authorities didn't allow us to distribute it within campus grounds, so we gave them out at the bus stops and mrt. I helped out for 2 hours, and quite surprisely, it was very uplifting. For some reason, it was really very pleasing to see almost every SP student having a copy of the magazine in their hand, some totally engrossed in reading it. I could almost smell a great awakening because of that great sight.

Seek the real truth ...

Comeback Kings

2006-05-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

Comeback Kings

I tell you, sometimes you can get heart attacks from supporting Liverpool. Last year in Istanbul, they fought back from a 3 goal deficit to clinch the Champions League Trophy after the penalty shoot-out. It was such an amazing night, even for me as I watched it on TV in the wee hours of the morning. Totally unbelievable.

Last night, The Reds gave me yet another emotional ride in the FA cup final. 2-0 down to 3-2, before Gerrard scored a screamer in the 91st minute to make it 3-3. 91st !! My words. The feeling is indescribable. They eventually went on to win the cup after penalty shoot-out. I was actually praying like mad for God to let my beloved Liverpool win the cup. When you don't doubt, somehow it'll happen. I was almost ready to let go and believed that we won't win the game, but well, it was so miraculous yet true. Stevie G's the man !! God must have had a great laugh at me, looking at how jumpy I was last night. He would let my team win, but in such heart-stopping fashion. Haha. You got me there God. You're the real hero of the day.

Little Lyvia and Grandma came over again last night for dinner. She's still calling me baby boy though. Only the special one can call me that, and I'm not talking about Jose Mourinho thank you. Anyway, out of the blue, she asked me if I was a Christian. Apparently she saw the cross that I was wearing. So I asked her if she knew what being a Christian means. She said, "Must believe in God ?" So I told her that two thousand years ago, we had a good friend named Jesus who died for us because we were naughty, so that we can be forgiven. And He came alive again after 3 days, because He is God. Haha. She was staring at me with those big eyes for a few seconds before suddenly asking if she could see my white colour treasure chest. Haha. She was very amazed by the stars inside, and that's where she realized I was born in August as well, just like her.

It's a pity that at 5 years old, she has to deal with a broken family. Her parents are divorced. And the thing that disturbs me is that, at Primary 1, she has her own handphone !! But I guess that's the best way she can get to hear from both her parents regularly. And the thing that amazes me is that she's still the cheerful and bubbly girl.

Some people just shouldn't lose their child-like faith and innocense, ever.

Wake up

2006-05-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

Wake up

Sick sick sick !! Started having fever on Thursday because of the cough I was having. Must have really been overworking myself. Everynight I returned home late. For 4 days I didn't have home cooked dinner !! Was practically surviving on Panadols. The Devil just loves to attack my throat. I cannot remember the last time I went without any sore throat or coughs for a period of time since I started singing for my Lord. Everytime I recovered, it would just come back after a few weeks or so.

Saturday was Tianwen's birthday, so the boys went out and did what we always do... meaningless fun. Haha but it's nice once in a while. Met them up for lunch at Manhattan Fish Market, the cheaper and smaller version of Fish & Co. It was quite a heavy lunch, considering that it was seafood. Imagine all the calamari and fried fish and prawns heavily dressed in cream... too much is no good. While waiting for the other boys we played pool and at night, went to Kbox. Gerwyn doesn't sing. He shouts...

Just came back from my godmum's mother's wake. By the way, my godparents are also my uncle and auntie. Anyway, my relatives were talking about me like I wasn't there at all, and like I couldn't understand Teochew. They were discussing if I actually had to wear the mourning attire and join in the rituals and stuff since I'm the supposed god-grandson. But they said it didn't matter since only the Chew side know I'm the godson, and also obviously, I'm Christian. I myself wouldn't have agreed to it.

The last funeral I could remember quite clearly was my grandmother's way back in 1997. I was in primary 3 then. She was living with us before that, and she was weak due to old age and also medical conditions, always needing my maid's round-the-clock care. You could imagine how crowded my home was. My parents, 4 boys, my aunt and my grandma, and a maid. 9 people under a roof. All fighting for oxygen. I was young then so it didn't really bothered that much to me, but ask me now to live with 8 other people in a flat, I would just hate home. Anyway, my grandma passed away and I remembered having quite alot of fun during the 3 days of wake. I got to see all my cousins and relatives everyday, from morning til late late at night. I remembered joining in all the rituals as well. There's burning of the paper house, walking across this little bridge and dropping coins into a pail of water under the bridge etc. Then the sending of my grandma to the crematorium. I reflect upon it just now and I found it quite amazing that I once did all those. I truly thank God that He has turned my family onto the path of righteousness. God's influence in my entire extended family has never been small. In fact, it has been quite strong. Most of us are Christians or Catholics, and I really thank God for that.

Home

2006-04-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

Home

Welcome to my crib. That's the living hall and behind the stairs is the dining room. Behind me is the courtyard.

That's the kitchen. It's pretty cool. I cook my instant noodles and scrambled eggs right there. Amazing. Amazing the kitchen's still there.

I'm in love with that bigarse refrigerator. Gone are the days of making ice cubes and ice water; it has a ice and water dispenser !! And how could I ever live without a microwave oven ? The best invention ever.

"Stairway to Heaven"

The common toilet. A vainpot like me can't live without that mirror.

That just looks majesty, doesn't it ?
My brothers room. Bright lime green walls. Look at the gigantic light bulb. Haha. Cool.
Open concept for their wardrobe.

They have a TV and cable in their room !! That's life.

My room !! Look at MY cool light. Haha. Great balls of fire. The walls are blue and grey but I wanted the colours to be darker and richer. Wasn't what I really wanted but forget it.

My bed. Comfy comfy. But lonely lonely.

My little cosy corner. Lots of cushion. Great to grab a book and stay curled up in there reading. I almost dumped that dog into the bin, but I couldn't bring myself to. Buddy will always have a place in my heart.

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord"

Joshua 24:15

The Pencil Parable

2006-04-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

The Pencil Parable

There was Welcome Tea worship practice on Friday night where I finally got to meet the entire band. There're a total of 8 of us including Ronald doing the sound, and I feel really priviledged to be leading as guitarist and main vocalist. It's something that means alot to me. They're a great bunch of people and excellent musicians in their own right. I had a blast worshipping with them and I'm really excited about Welcome Tea. It's on 25th April Tuesday at 5.15 pm at Lt 14B. I heard that it's quite a big event coz last year there were 120 plus students pouring into the Lt and there weren't even enough space. Don't think I can get to mingle much to anyone but do come down to check it out.

My grandma and little cousin Lyvia came over for dinner last night. It's quite rare that I get to see them. Lyvia's just simply adorable. She saw me strumming my guitar in my room and starting asking me "Why are you playing guitar ?"

Exactly how do you answer that question ? HAHA. Kids. She asked me so many questions about the guitar and about what I'm studying in school and about my textbooks and all. Oh man I had a hard time telling her about guitar strings and frets and heads and Polytechnics and modules I take in school. I found myself using baby language and told her I'm studying maths and science in school. After all she's only 6. She insisted I show her my module notes and read to her what's inside. Haha. So cute. And when she doesn't understand she'll go "Blah blah blah". I asked her how old do you think kor kor is ? She said 29 !! And when I said no, she said 10 ?!? HAHA.

Like I said it was rare that we meet so I asked if she remembered my name. She forgot my name so I told her it's Ian. She tried repeating my name but couldn't. So I kept repeating, each time slower than before. But each time it sounded weirder, like she's making funny noises. That's when I realized she was doing it deliberately !! I was being fooled by a 6 year old !! Argh. Haha. She started laughing hysterically, and said "Your name is baby boy." And she laughed hysterically again. I asked why she call me baby boy ? She said "Coz you're a baby !!" And yeah, laughed hysterically again. She finally said "Okay, I say your name properly. Your name is ... BABY BOY !" And you guessed it, the hysterical laughter followed. She did it for 3 more times !! I think she laughed coz each time I had a hopeful face totally faded away. Haha. She's so adorable. I simply love kids.

I heard of this parable about the pencil when I was in Malaysia for my mission trip. It truly is very meaningful and thought it was great. For all my friends, I hope it encourages you and spurs you on in life. Here it is.

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.
"There are 5 things you need to know", he told the pencil, "before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be".

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

Three: You will be able to correct mistakes you will make.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replacing the place of the pencil with you; always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best person you can be.

One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in God's hand. And allow other human beings to access you for the many gifts you possess.

Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems, but you'll need it to become a stronger person.

Three: You will be able to correct mistakes you might make or grow through them.

Four: The most important part of you will always be what's on the inside.

And Five: On every surface you walk, you must leave your mark. No matter what the situation, you must continue to serve God in everything.

By understanding and remembering, let us proceed with our life on this earth having a meaningful purpose in our heart and a relationship with God daily.

Author Unknown

A true Gem

2006-04-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

A true Gem

Man I have to say I really love my GEMs module. The lecturer's a great artist and his works are pretty marvelous. He's the president of the Singapore Watercolour Society, and has painted for quite a few companies I think. I just know he painted the series of packet drinks for Seasons.

He was showing us his works and there was this part where he flipped open to a plain sheet of paper with a painting of a biscuit. I tell you, I thought it was a real biscuit !! I was wondering
why on earth there was a biscuit in his file, but it was a painting !! It's amazing I tell you.

First lesson we painted the sky I think. I actually don't know what we're painting coz we were just told to practice toning. Yeah I think it's the sky coz he taught us how to get those cloud effects, and snow. My painting didn't come out really well. I can't see no snow !! We had to sprinkle cooking salt on our painting to get the snowing effect. Weird eh.

But who cares. It's a painting of the sky and it's blue !! My favourite. Can't wait to paint trees and rivers.

Up til now my parents and brothers have not moved over yet. Sigh. Though er ge is staying with me, he's out most of the time and won't come back til late late at night.

It's not nice sleeping alone in a empty home. If any kind soul would spend the sleepless nights with me.

I wish I could have someone wish me goodnight every night, like I used to have. God if only I could see you and touch you, I wouldn't feel so lonely always.

First

2006-04-17T23:50:00.000-07:00

First

Finally school started today and it feels great to be back. I get to see all my classmates and it definitely will be another year to look forward to.

I started off the first day of my sophomore year well. Really well indeed. First lesson was at 8 a.m. I woke up at 7.50 a.m. How wonderful eh ? Haha. I reached school at about 9.30 a.m, just in time for breakfast with my classmates. Since it's Week 1, the lecturer dismissed the class early when it was supposed to end at 10.

I'm quite pleased with everything though. Really thank God. The lecturers are good and the modules are even better. To be honest my strength in Physics isn't in Electronics but Mechanics. I have much more interest in that, and this semester we're doing modules from School of MM. It was very interesting and we're finally starting on planes !! Can't say how excited I am. Planes !! Unfortunately though, there are still some dumb boring modules I have to take. And most of our lectures are now in Lecture Theatres, and it seems like a more condusive place than the classroom. I don't know, perhaps it's the first day, that's why I was motivated to pay full attention. We'll see as the days go on.

Crap. I'm gonna have to work my socks off to get good grades this year to pull up my cumulative GPA. Got a crappy score of 3.1 last academic year !! So darn disappointed. And I saw my results in the middle of my mission trip in Malaysia at the internet cafe. Bummer.

Just called 6 of my contacts, and yeah, hopefully they are interested in becoming my disciples.

God, You decide.

Consuming Fire

2006-04-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

Consuming Fire

Just came back from Servant Team/Spiritual Multiplier (STSM) Retreat. It was supposed to be from Tuesday til Thursday but I joined them only yesterday. It was at Changi Safra Resort and I must say I had a nice time.

I was asked to lead P&W last night and of coz I gladly took it up. It always excites me to lead in P&W. I was also told yesterday to lead on 25th April for Campus Crusade Welcome Tea. That would be infront of more than 100 people. Oh man that's crazy coz I've never done that before. I'm definitely looking forward to that though. Now somehow I got shot the arrow of taking charge of our CCA booth. I don't know what to do !!

The STSM Retreat was basically to prepare our hearts and minds for the new academic year. Which also means taking up of new disciples and sheparding them for us new SMs. There was a bit of training to equip us new SMs with the right attitude and heart for discipleship. I really don't know how I'll do as a discipler with young lives in my hands. Jesus had 12 and He lost not one of them except for Judas that the scriptures may be fulfilled. I'm not only worried about losing, but also building. How am I going to impact and build a Man for Christ. Just like how Robin changed me and helped me along my path towards serving Christ and giving my life to Him. For that, I'm really very grateful to God for putting Robin in my life.

It's funny how I started out in Campus Crusade without enthusiasm of any sort for that ministry. I didn't even know how on earth I ended up in SPCCC. But it has taught me the importance of The Great Commission and given me the heart of evangelism. My heart's desire grew and the passion burned. I stucked to the ministry and I've not regretted it. It has given me great friends and memorable moments. It just reminded me of how I started out in Maris Stella SJAB as well. Totally no directions whatsoever, but yet I've found passion and great memories in there. I know it's God who paths the way for me, and it's His calling.

I may be giving more time serve in Campus Crusade as a leader now, but I know deep in my heart it's all for God. I'm glad to do it because I know, in that CCA, we're all serving God and not Man. I know I serve God and not Man. Not to have crazy times and hell of good times, but because of my love for God.

I watched Passion of Christ last night on DVD at the chalet. I heard how gory it is so I didn't dare watch it before, but since they had it on I decided to watch. It was so disturbing, I couldn't sleep well at all after the show. I was hiding behind the pillow most of the time after Jesus got tortured coz it was just too much for me. Even the girls watching were more brave than me. Haha. I had this particular dream but I'd prefer not to say it here. It's better if I explained it in person, but anyway after that dream, I didn't dare close my eyes anymore. So I ended up being the first to wake up. I waited for light to shine from the sky around 7 a.m before going out alone to enjoy the breeze in front of the sea. It was beautiful.

God may you lead me in my daily life, and grant me a pure heart and clean hands.

Got Mammoth ?

2006-04-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Got Mammoth ?

Yay I finally moved into my new home today. Back to the ghetto. The rest of my family will move in probably this weekend. For now, it's only Er ge and me. He's out now and I'm alone in this big house. Creepy. I'm pretty pleased with my new home. Thank God.

I watched Ice Age 2 last Friday. Haha it was really very cute. It's a very light movie and just the kind where you just wanna feel good after the movie. Good for people like me. People who just can't grow up. Argh I'm dreading turning 18. Crap I wanna be 17 forever.

Saturday was Zone 10 Footdrill Competition at Kranji Sec School. No surprises, Gan Eng Seng always wins hands down. Crazy man the way they do footdrill. They can quit school and be full time footdrillers. Well, at least we got top 6 in zone !! How great is that !?! Ah man I was so happy to see all my buddy officers again. So long since I saw them. 2 weeks !! Really brought alot of joy to me.

Then on Sunday was appreciation lunch for us in MSHS. Apparently our ex-ex-supt and ex-supt and supt wanted to buy all the Exco members lunch for achieving CAA Gold award the second year running !! They invited all the old dinosaurs back but when I rushed down after church, I saw only a few dinos. I thought there'd be more but... maybe they got stuck in the Ice Age ?

Lame Ian. Lame.

Devil's Stronghold

2006-04-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

Devil's Stronghold

Finally got back on Tuesday night. My dad picked me up at Golden Mile and brought me out for supper first before going to our new home to have a look. And wow my house is pretty much done. It's nice alright. Except for maybe my room coz the colours aren't what I wanted it to be. The colours are too pale. Forget it. Been busy these few days painting the wardrobe, cleaning the house, packing stuff and moving.

I'm so happy I managed to get a seat in the GEMs class I wanted. God really does answer prayers. I thought my time slot yesterday was at 10-11 a.m, but when I logged in, it showed that my appointment was from 1-2 p.m. Kinda disappointed. The later your appointment is, the more likely seats get taken away and I wouldn't be able to choose the module I want. Besides, the module I want only has 40 seats !! But praise God !! I reached home at 1.30 p.m, logged in and found there was exactly 1 seat left for me !! The very last one !! Felt so happy man. Was so afraid I had to take some dumb GEMs that I didn't like again. By the way, the module I chose was Basic Water Colour Painting Workshop. Cool man. It's gonna bring me back to my love for art again.

I spent 16 days in a place called Serdang in Malaysia. It's about an hour's drive away from Kuala Lumpur. There's a university situated there, called Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM). That was the Devil's stronghold that we were to enter. It is HUGE I tell you. Joseph brought us on a tour around in the ministry van and I think probably 10 SPs can fit into one UPM. How many schools do we have in SP ? 5 or 6 ? They have 14 schools. We met our counterparts and they put us up at their center. It's kinda like a CCA room, only it's a rented apartment in something like a HDB flat which is just directly next to one of the entrances to the U. By the way, the Campus Crusade ministry here, don't call themselves UPM Campus Crusade for Christ, even though their National HQ is called Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ (MCCC). They call themselves UPM Campus Life Connection (CLC). It's an underground group here and basically they use the name CLC because the word "Christ" in the original name will only scare people off when they introduce which group they're from.

There were basically 2 kinds of evangelism we did. One was in the afternoon where we have to sneak into the campus and do street evangelism. We actually aren't even allowed in the campus, so we have to pretend we're students and enter only when there are no guards on duty. Everytime we enter, we had to pray for God's hand of protection to be on us that we may not be caught. It is not something that can be played around with. All of the students here are 20 years of age and above, and we targeted only the Chinese. When we approach them, we have to hide away our true identity first to avoid any possible complications. We can't even disclose how many of us are here when the students ask out of curiosity. We introduce ourselves as Poly students from Singapore and are here on a exchange programme to understand and know more about the university life and students in Malaysia. We'd then request them to do a survey (we use it as an ice-breaker) and from there we start conversing with them. Normally we just make friends with them first, because convincing a non-believer to receive Christ the first time you meet him just builds a barrier in your friendship. We had to foster close friendships first, so that they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say. Besides, we had to know them more to know they're trustworthy enough for us to tell them where we're staying and our main purpose here.

The other kind of evangelism takes place at night. Joseph or Pay Shen will drive us into the hostels in the van to do door-to-door witnessing. That's another scary business. Have to pray hard that whenever we drive through the guard posts, their eyes will be blinded to our presence and they won't stop us to check. Security in that school is really tight, because once, 2 million RM worth of stuff was stolen before. Thus, only students and lecturers are allowed in that school. Strictly no one else. They call the hostels "Kolej" here, or how we spell it as "College". I call it scary business also because it's freaking scary to knock on doors at the Kolej. You never know what you're gonna get get. We have to always call on God's courage and strength. It is compulsory for all 1st years students to stay in the campus hostels, and there are alot of hostels here. Alot. However, all of us found that the night evangelism is normally the most fruitful.

The students here are really friendly. I don't know if it's because we're foreigners so they're interested, but really they are so genuine and friendly. I was very amazed by it. Of coz there were the exceptions that were shy or couldn't be bothered with us, but those were the minority. Some of the friends we made sometimes even came to visit us at our place, and willingly accepted our invitation to bring them to Pay Shen's church, go mountain climbing with us, attend our Singapore Nite or even having supper with us. But just like every student there, they have a very strong barrier when it comes to Christianity. It's easy to make friends with them, but once the topic about Christ pops up, you can see a very strong defence system shoot up. They are just not spiritually ready. There are other factors as well. The university life here is really very stressful. I was quite taken aback. They sometimes have classes that end late into the night at 10. Almost every student has night classes even though they're full time students. They have exams like ever so often. Sometimes even before they get back their results for the previous exam, they have to sit for one already. I was told that UPM is well known for their frequency of exams. Assignments and projects pile up and all these hinders us from meeting them. Sometimes we want to arrange lunch or dinner with them, it's totally impossible for us to meet them. At the same time, they have so much in their minds, they have hardly any time to think about religion and Christ.

We didn't yield any harvest from this trip. I was pretty discouraged towards the end of the trip. One of the nights when I heard that the team in Sabah had 15 plus people receiving Christ, and Australia team had more than 7, I knelt down and started pleading to God. I was alone outside praying while the rest were in the rooms. I was crying also because of all the spiritual battles I was going through. I was very drained by then. Then I realized my teammate saw me and he knelt beside me to pray with me. The rest then came out and we all knelt down together to plead to Christ for a revival in the land. That really made it worse. I couldn't stop crying. But my team leader encouraged all of us by telling us that maybe we're sent as sowers of the seeds, not harvesters. If everybody wants to harvest, who's going to sow the seeds ? We can only put our faith and trust into God's plans for His timing is perfect. Ronald also told us stories about a missionary in Thailand who slogged for 6 years before seeing fruits bear. 6 YEARS. I spent 2 weeks and I wanted to see a miracle. I really am so young and naive in the Lord.

The ground is definitely hard. Halfway through the trip, Joseph confessed to us that this was actually the hardest ground. Even Navigators decided to close shop after 4 years of ministry here. It was just too hard. For 4 years, CLC has not seen a single male receive Christ. Only a few girls received the salvation. And we felt it too. The Devil had a very strong grip on his land here. The spiritual atmopshere is scary. We can only pray that our seeds were sown in the way Jesus wants us to. Maybe another team will come to reap the harvest. I pray hard that that will happen one day.

I didn't totally enjoy the trip at all. But I do not regret sending myself to set foot into the Devil's territory. I struggled through the trip. I don't know if I've grown. I felt like so much have been taken out of me, so much "juice" squeezed away. Everything I used to be slowly dripped away day by day in the battlefield. But I've made it through and if that's growth, then it shall be. On the 5th day, I was already dying to go home. Being stuck with the same people for 16 days really takes its toll on you. I reached a point where I couldn't stand being with all of my teammates except for one, and that's God. I dreaded living in that apartment. The surroundings were so filthy and the air smelled so freaking bad. The toilet flushing system wasn't working, and if I bathed for too long the toilet will flood coz the sewage system totally sucks. Water will start gushing out from the pipe. Everynight I get countless mosquito bites all over in my sleep, and every lunch and dinner we ate almost the same food. The weather was totally crazy as well. One moment it's scorching hot, half an hour later it turns into a thunderstorm. I was battling with myself each day, until I finally broke down and fell ill on the 12th day and it got worse the next day. I was down with fever and I felt like dying then. I just wished God would take my life there and then.

I've learnt that evangelism isn't a 5 min thing to one person. It's a very long process. From building of friendship, to constant meetings, to sharing and discussing, to following up. 2 weeks may seem long to me at first but I felt that we needed more time. Though I would have suffered more, I would gladly let God give us more time to continue our mission work. But we had to return home. We handed over our contacts to the CLC I know at this moment, they could well be following up on them.

I think the most I've learnt about, is myself. Never in my life had I so much of sinful and negative thoughts coming into my head each day. I begin to see how ugly I actually am. I'm really such a sinner, unworthy of His grace. It may have been Satan's work but I can't always blame the Devil and never me. I was disgusted with myself for always thinking bad about my teammates. The things they did, the person they are, sometimes made me mad and pissed, I end up formulating sinful thoughts about them. I was on a mission trip, there was no way I could let all those hinder me. But I couldn't fight them. I was too weak, and they kept coming in. All I could do was put them aside or avoid them, until they return again. I tried very hard to put on a heart of love instead of hatred. I had to accept them for who they are. I was able to do that but the harder I try, the worse it becomes for me because inside of me, I was still filled with sinful thoughts. Everynight I had to ask God for renewed strength, because the battle was endless. It was horrible. God's grace was enough though. I made it through, and when I shared this problem with everyone during the last day, they were surprised because apparently, I didn't show any hints of unhappiness or discomfort. They never would have thought I was struggling. But I guess that's me. I always choose to suffer alone. No one really understands me anyway.

If anything, God has taught me to be more patient and loving in this trip. I didn't once pass sarcastic remarks or angrily showed a long face. Partly because it was a mission trip, I had to control myself. I was on God's work. If I was in another scenario, I might have just made judgements to my friends and end up hurting them. I've learnt to put on a loving heart instead and not judge, accepting people for who they are. The person I should first judge is myself. God has also taught me to rely more on His strength and His guidance. Many a times I do things to my own strength. He has taught me to place faith in Him, for He can do greater things than me. He has also put a heart of obedience into me. I have to hear His words and follow. He has matured me in this trip. Lastly, I've learnt to appreciate what I have here. My family, my friends, my home, my God, my salvation. God's forgiveness means alot to me. So does Man.

Alot of the Malaysian Crusaders were asking me why I pierced my ears. I told them the truth. I pierced my ears so that everytime I look into the mirror, I'd be reminded to tell that boy standing in front of the mirror to never be the person he once was.

The bus ride home was really comfortable. It was a first-class coach. One-seater with a personal TV. I watched Hitch, Incredibles and Robots. Like finally. I know, pathetic right ? Robots was so funny. That little robot that had the key into Big Well City was some funny shiet. It was so cold I was curled up under the blanket. Comfy.

I got dark when I finished the shows, so I switched the TV off and rested my eyes. It was so comfortable. I was curled up in the big one-seater under the blanket. It was dark outside on the highway and heavy rain was pelting down on the window pane. You know how much I love the rain. The bus was dimly lit with soothing orange light. I was in total comfort and peace. It was then I started to ponder, if only the bus would never stop, that moment would never seize, the journey would never end. I would gladly stay in that spot forever. How I wish life was that way too. A peaceful and comfortable journey until our time is up. But no. I have to get off that bus and face the world. But I know my God who drives that bus is waiting at the other end for me. When I reach finally reach that bus, God will continue the journey. But it will be different. The bus would never stop, the moment would never seize, the journey would never end. I would be be back in that big comfortable chair, curled up under the blanket with the dimly lit orange light and rain pelting down on the window on the dark highway. God would be next to me watching over me as I sleep. That would be the greatest comfort I'd feel in the world.

I will seek You to be under your refuge forever.

Surrender

2006-03-19T23:56:00.000-08:00

Surrender

Finally the day is here for me to leave. Don't really know what to expect because it's the first for me, but I'm putting everything into God's hands.

I'm glad too that I can leave behind my responsibilities and work. During yesterday's Corps meeting, we all agreed to postpone the soccer tournament because up til now, we've yet to tie down a venue when it's only a week away. So now it's either on 1st April or 15th. Hopefully it's on the 15th coz I'll be back by then. Quite guilty of not doing a better job before leaving, but again God has let me see how blessed I am to have those officers always backing me up. Now it's not only Gerwyn's and my crap, it's now everyone's crap haha. It's always good to have David as a fellow officer. He throws back the shit that zone throws to us. Haha.

Alot of people actually forget that I'm after all, only 17. I keep getting comments from people that they got the impression that I'm 20 odd. Pretty cool. But yes, I reckon I still got lots to learn at a tender age, so continue to treat me like a young boy.

Attended Miracle Service at Tampines Lighthouse on Saturday with Joy. It's cute the way they go up to give testimonies. Haha. Really very cute. Finally got to see Wei !! Okay lah handsome lah. Haha secret secret. And the Pacer I imagined in my head looked totally different from the Pacer I saw. Pacman. Not being mean or what, but honestly I pictured a great looking guy from his voice. Not that he's really bad looking anyway.

Today in church was great. "I Will Sing" is such a ministering song. And it's true. "I will sing, I will praise, even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain." The guest pastor prayed with the Spirit and many fell flat to the floor crying. Could see that Esther was kinda surprised, being a young Christian and all. Haha.

Was thinking about everything that I've been able to do for God, and I feel so blessed. It's amazing how much God has allowed me to do for Him. Looking at how young I am in Christ, I've been super fortunate. But I know that's the way I want it to be. I grow more that way. In fact I can't imagine a life where I'm serving God in only one area. Especially if it's boring to me. Say maybe an usher or someone doing the sound. I know in the end, it's all for God and these jobs are important no matter how insignificant they seem to be. But I know it's not for me. I need something bigger to keep me going.

So far I've been able to serve Him as worship leader in church, evangelistic works in school, mission trip overseas, and when school reopens, I'll be a Discipleship Group Leader, teaching year 1's the Word of God, and the latest is that one of the staff in Campus Crusade, who is also my leader in the mission team, has invited me to help him pioneer a church of youths. So much is there to be done, how can I possibly lead a boring Christian life ? Praise the Lord.

Okay, I'll be gone tomorrow. Maybe you can come surprise me by coming down and sending me off at Golden Mile Complex at 10 am ?? Haha. I'm sure the rest of my team members will have supporters seeing them off except me. So sad. Okay lah, SMS will do. Haha. Just pray for me then. Bye.

Use me well oh Lord my God.

Randomically

2006-03-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

Randomically

Just a couple of photos to show you how my arm looks like after the blood test last Thursday. Fantastic ah ? I took these photos like today. Needed something to pass the time. Quite bored actually. No one to take pity on me and sayang my bruise. Sigh.

Today's blog entry gonna be so random coz I just want to blog before I leave for 2 whole weeks. Rubbish just comes to mind.

The Mosaic Festival at Esplanade is so cool lah. I'm one who loves all kinds of music so it's like paradise. But I've been busy so can't actually spend time there. And the one and only show I wanted to watch is JASON MRAZ !!! Darn it his tickets are sold out and even if I had tickets I wouldn't be able to watch it. I can't watch it coz it clashes with worship practice, and God's always first. So... Jason Mraz please come back to Singapore again soon okay please ??!?!

Today was rehearsing our skit for our Malaysian trip. It's so funny. See it's a mime, and knowing me, I can hardly keep a straight face and I laugh at the slightest thing so 3 quarters of the time I was bursting out laughing. HAHA. Since it was a mime, alot had to depend on our facial expressions, and we had to show a wide range of it. I could only show laughter HAHA. Clement looked so cute and funny playing Jesus !! My gosh my stomach really ached from the laughing.

Acer of Fujitsu ? Fujitsu or Acer ? Computer or laptop ? Laptop or computer ? Headache headache. SP offering laptops for the year 1s' and I'm thinking of getting one myself. I think I'll get Fujitsu since the rest also getting that. Agreed ?

Saw this pair of lesbians in the Mrt today. They were almost all over each other. Yuck. They looked only like 14 years of age. Fortunately they weren't pretty at all or I'd have killed myself. Then I recalled I saw a pair of gays in the Mrt too after extending my passport yesterday. Double yuck.

The oreos I had just now were weird. I don't know. I normally get rid of the cream and eat the biscuits with milk, but I just noticed that the cream seemed quite little from usual. Heck doesn't affect me anyway.

I think I'm gonna sue that nurse for giving me that beautiful bruise. Hmm who knows she may have snapped my veins into 2. Argh so ugly.

Here's a song that I like.

The splendor of a King
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

How Great Is Our God
-Chris Tomlin

How Great Is Our God

2006-03-13T07:09:00.000-08:00

How Great Is Our God

I took a blood test on Thursday to check for immunity against Hepatitis A & B and it totally sucked !! The nurse pushed that thick needle into my arm but no blood flowed into the tube, so she twisted it all over the place, then plunged the needle even deeper into my arm !! Not like my vein so small lah !! It was buldging out for her, but she still so lousy. HAHA. And until now, there's still a big patch of internal bleeding on my arm. Amazing.

I think this is gonna be a long entry coz I've got lots to say. Anyway March Camp just ended and I've got quite a bit to share about it. So much of thanksgiving and glory I want to give to God.

On Friday morning, I went to Yishun Park for our gen12ii mission trip team retreat. We split up and spent the morning in quiet time with God. It's always satisfying to be in the presence of God and His children worshipping Him.

After that I rushed home to get my camping bag, and after getting off Ang Mo Kio Mrt Station, I realized I left my keys at home !! It was already in the afternoon and my only hope of anyone at home was da ge. So I called home, hoping anyone at all will pick up the call, but nothing came. I was getting so so nervous because if I were to get locked out of home, I would be late for camp and it wouldn't be very nice because I was heading it. So I just kept asking God please please help me. At that point in time, as I was making the call and walking towards home, I saw da ge walking towards me going to work. That feeling was indescribable. It was as if God planned everything to perfection. So I asked da ge if he could pass me his keys. Really praise the Lord so much.

I reached MSHS on time and after officer final briefing was done, the camp was ready to begin. I gathered a number of officers to pray for the camp, even non believers and I was quite glad they willingly agreed. Only Justin, Eugene and I were Christians among the officers. I started in prayer and Justin closed and that was when the journey began.

The first incident happened that night. I actually lost the classroom key that the teacher-in-charge passed to me !! I thought it was in my pocket but it just disappeared. Because of this, the cadets had no proper place to store their camping bags. I really panicked. I searched everywhere until I conceded that it really was lost. The worse thing was that it was already later than 10 pm. It was dark and difficult to find a single key. But I was quite touched to see many of my fellow officers helping me out. They willingly walked all over to find the key. First Aloysious walked with me around the school. Then Thomas. I soon realized even Yongren walked the entire school including down to the primary school alone. Wah I'm really so thankful for them, made me feel so blessed. However we still couldn't find the key. At first I kept asking God why He made me lose the key, but I realized it was my own carelessness and I was blaming a faultless God. I kept asking God please let me find the key. I told God You wouldn't know how happy I would be if I were to find that key. I would be filled with so much joy. I was feeling much better and I trusted God that we will be able to find it sooner or later, or worse come to worse, apologise to the teachers since I made a mistake. I was still able to keep joking about keys the whole night. Haha.

The following day, we searched all over again, from morning until afternoon, but still to no avail. We had no choice but to report it to the teachers. To make matters worse, I fell ill. I felt so lethargic and weak in the morning. I decided to take my temperature in the afternoon before the urban hike, and it recorded 38.6 degrees !! Gerwyn was so funny he gave me another thermometer to try because he didn't believe it. Again it was the same result, so he decided to pass 1 to Eugene to try and the other he tried on himself. HAHA. Talking about Gerwyn, he's so freaking funny he never fails to make me laugh like crap. Not meaning it in a offending way, he's a total idiot lah HAHA. Anyway, I decided to continue hiking because wo bu fang xing, but my junior officers insisted I stay in school to rest. So I did and I left everything to them. So Gerwyn and I were the only officers left in the school during the urban hike, and we had to look after the cadets camping bags coz there weren't any classroom to put their bags as I lost the key. During mid afternoon, Mr Ganesh came and told me that it's alright we lost the key, but try our best to find it before he reports it to the General Office. When he left, I immediately turned to Gerwyn and said, "Don't worry, must have faith, by hook or by crook we will find the key". I was putting alot alot of faith in God in saying that sentence especially to a non-believer, but I still said it. To be honest, deep down, I conceded that it was impossible to retrieve the lost key. What happened next was amazing. As I was walking along the corridor of the classrooms, I realized a lady approached Aloysious (A few groups returned from hike already). She passed him something and hurried off. So I walked towards him and asked what she wanted. Aloysious then held the "lost" key in front of me. That amount of joy was so immense. He told me that NCC found the key and knew it was from St.John's, so they passed the key back to us.

Some of you may not know, but a few days before the camp, I had problems convincing the school teachers to set the nite walk at MacRitchie cemetary. It was on and off, on and off. We decided to continue holding it at the cemetary, but at the very last minute, Friday morning while having my team retreat at Yishun, I received news that the PE HOD in school disapproved us of holding the walk at the cemetary. Those were last orders so we had to comply. We had to hold it in school. But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Because the nite walk was directly after the hike and dinner, dinner had to be cooked outdoors at MacRitchie. But we all know, it rained so crazily heavy in the evening time. Because of the last minute change, the cadets were brought back to school to have dinner instead and nite walk to be carried out in school. Just nice, they reached back, the rain came. I wouldn't dare imagined what would have happened if we the nite walk was still at the cemetary and it poured so heavily.

Now, here are my exaltations and testimonies to God. I know my God takes good care of me and loves all of us. Firstly, he made me lose the key to know the feeling of losing something and the extreme need to get it back. And how much joy it would be to finally find that something. I realized that was the same with God. We're all lost, and He's slowly searching for each one of us, until He has found us. And how joyful the Lord is when the lost is finally found !!

"Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it ? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.' In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

Luke 15:3-10

Secondly, God gave me so much of problems in planning the nite walk, all because He knew the future and wanted to protect me and the camp. If it were held at the cemetary, there would be chaos. And most importantly, had the nite walk continued at MacRitchie, none of us would be in school when the lost key was found by NCC. What meticulous planning by God.

Thirdly, God made me sick, so that I would stay back in school during the hike, and in turn was able to say that sentence of faith to Gerwyn about finding the key no matter what. It came true and I'm sure it would have made him believed, if not stirred up.

God also made me lose the key, not because He was bored. Not because He was playing a harmless trick on me. No. His ways are higher. He made me lose the key, so that His glory will be seen by all the officers. In fact, for all the numerous problems he gave me, losing the key, making me sick, changing the nite walk location, all in all, was for Him to let his glory shine. And I'm sure, my friends, in one way or another, learnt something about my wonderful God. For the sake of His glory and honour, I would even willingly die if He asked me to.

You should have seen me going around the officers going on non-stop about God did this God did that because of this because of that. Until Derek told me "OKAY OKAY please enough". HAHA. Go link to Derek's blog and you'll know what I mean haha.

On Sunday I left camp for a while to attend service at Tampines Lighthouse. Joy invited me to watch her dance. Haha. Anyway it was a refreshing break from the camp and they had this "talk-show" thingy going on after P&W. It was quite funny especially the crazy guy playing maple.

So finally camp was over on Monday, I returned home to rest. I was supposed to have street evangelism at Bugis with my team, but I was so drained out and still had slight fever so I stayed home to sleep. Then I had to attend the Commissioning Night at FooChow Church where all the teams and supporters gather to commission all the mission teams for their trip. Great stuff.

Praise God for everything. His work is always glorious and wonderful.

Shake the milky way

2006-03-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

Shake the milky way

Finally had a haircut last Thursday after donkey months.

The last time I got my hair properly cut was way back last year, when I was forced to on my OTC passing out ceremony. Haha. Well, because of the upcoming camp I had to cut, or Boss will ngiao me. It was quite a scary experience at the salon actually. The lady apparently didn't get what I want. Scary. I told her I wanted it short. Something so simple she didn't get. Started to style a funky hair-do. I told her to please get rid of my fringe. Haha. And with wax at home, I could style it til it looks alright. The wonders of wax.

Yep, I got baptized on Sunday at Changi Beach. It was pretty weird at first because there were so many "spectators" looking, wondering what on earth we were doing. Felt quite uncomfortable, but I thought, if this is all planned by God, maybe He just wanted the few of us to be baptized in the glory for all to see.

The waves were rushing and it was quite funny coz I couldn't stop moving. The waves were swaying us to and fro. Haha. Praise God.

Yesterday, I went down to Tiong Bahru Macs to meet my gen12ii team leader and staff leader for a meeting. I arrived late and when I sat down, McDonald's dessert kiosk was in front of me !! The first thing that came to my mind was, MILKSHAKES. That $2.20 was worth it man. HAHA. Yummy. It was such a chore sucking up the thick mixture so I gave up, I opened the cap and started licking from the straw. Heavenly.

Talking about gen12ii, I finally managed to complete my support raising. In fact I got 100 bucks more than what I needed. Really thank God for it. But to be honest, 700 doesn't sound difficult for me. I really salute those who have to raise like $2000 plus. I bet I'd be losing my hair over my fund raising if I had to raise $2000. But I'm sure our faithful Father will bring us through.

I want another cup of chocolate milkshake please.

Smell the air

2006-03-03T01:30:00.000-08:00

Smell the air

Finally exams are over. Last paper was on Wednesday. A little more breathing space now but not much difference actually.

Been busy over the past weeks with St. John's Annual March Camp planning and Zone Soccer Tournament. Really had to juggle so much. I'm the head planner for both our annual training camp and the bi-annual zone soccer so you can imagine how much I had to overlook, together with exams and the church worship team. Camp's on the 10th March and the zone soccer is 25th March, but planning for both started like barely 3 weeks ago, so we're like rushing like mad. And I'm leaving for Malaysia on the 20th March, don't know how much I'm prepared for that now. So many worldy things to attend to.

Well, God just gives me this uncanny ability to take it all in my stride nicely. I never get stressed or worried. I'm just able to soak up whatever and always find time to day-dream and laze around for hours. Haha. Though there's always something at the back of my head telling me there's work to do, I always leave it for a later time and seem to complete it. Actually that sounds like procastination but whatever. Haha. I'm amazed at myself. Give me a million things to do and I'll go take a nap first, you'll still get your results on time.

On Tuesday I went to Changi Airport to study with my few of my classmates, the 'samba team'. Fun. Haha. After dinner it was all play already. Never a dull moment with them. Went on a tour around the airport. Can't help it when we all live in the West and central areas, except for one. Changi Boy Nicholas was the tour guide. Went from Terminal 2 to 1 to take pictures all over, and pretend we were foreigners. Cool to be Jap for a day. The mood was like there never was any exam the next day. HAHA.

We know our numbers...
Then on Wednesday right after our paper, half the class went to Jurong East KBox. Haha it was great. 8 guys singing. From 1.30 pm to 7pm. I had no idea how we manage to sing so long. Anyway most of the time we was just shouting, and trying to hit the high notes that we all know we can never reach, so we just sounded really crap, but what the heck. Haha. Imagine hearing guys screeching into the microphones. Oh man love my classmates. Especially my darlings and dears. Haha. I have a few of them.
I reckon that looks like a nice CD album cover for a 8 member boy band... keke
Getting baptized this Sunday at Changi Beach. Now that's something to look forward to. All the anointings that God want to pour over me, I want all of it, not waste one drip of it.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm leaving on the 20th. Check out our team's website man !! www.team2msia.blogspot.com Our newsletter is in there. It's really incredible. Credit has to go to Samuel for coming up with such an excellent newsletter. Thanks to those who have helped me in my cause financially. Money's not the important thing though. All your prayers are worth more than all the money in the world, so keep praying for me for this trip !! God bless.

I really want to thank God for the words He gave me last Sunday during service. The words that came out from the pastor's mouth really hit the nail right on the head. It really just caught me in time, trying to pretend those things did not apply to me. Hit me right in the heart.

But He was right. There will always be new beginnings. New beginnings can never be avoided. From the moment you wake up to a new day, that's already a new beginning. We shouldn't be living in the past, because all the blessings that come from God are in the present and future. I've been living so much in the past, found it so hard to get out. I guess God really just wanted to push me on. The past really depends on your future, because surely, your future will one day be your past. Live your life in the future such that you'll never regret the memories that one day will be.

The whole time in that church I just couldn't stop uttering words of thanks to Him under my breath. The guest pastor went on to talk about a teenage couple he knew. Talked about teenage relationships and I was guilt-ridden. But God's always there to give us a new beginning. That really helped me. I have a chance to start afresh. It was like God was telling me, "Go on son, you're a new person now. Do me proud."

Who is there but You ? There is no one like You.

Did you know

2006-02-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Did you know

I came across this song recently and I was instantaneously brought back to one night last year. It was a combined all-night prayer service in church together with One Accord. It was really great.

4 little girls performed this very song in front of all of us. Actions included !! They were around 5 years of age and they were simply adorable !! I tell you, how I wish I could pack them all up and bring them home to sing for me every night. You should've been there to see them.

I've always loved animals and kids, but I can't possibly evangelise to animals. One day, I want to be able to tell all the beautiful kids in the world about Jesus, and I want to teach them. That would be so great.

Did you know
There's someone loving you
Who lives in me
And other people too

Did you know
He died on the Cross
Did you know
His name is Jesus

I want to thank You for everything You've done
You love me and gave Your only Son
To die on the cross for my sins
To die on the cross for my sins

Did you know
He rose from the dead
He's risen up,
He will be back again

Did you know
He's loving you today
Did you know
He's the only way

I want to thank you for everything You've done
You love me and gave Your only Son
To die on the cross for my sins
To die on the cross for my sins

I want to thank you for everything You've done
You love me and gave Your only Son
I want to thank you for everything You've done
You love me and gave Your only Son
To die on the cross for my sins
To die on the cross for my sins
To die on the cross for my sins

Did You Know
-Hillsong Kids

I've been thinking long and hard about it. It isn't that I refuse to let it all go. In fact, I'd have really loved to. I was doing alright until the news just came to me. It hurt me more than anyone else to hear something like that about her. I know I didn't exaggerate anything at all. And I know God allowed all these for a reason, one which is above me. There's just got to be a reason why He allowed me to hear such things. But I've decided to close it. It's a mess I don't want to be in anymore. Just so many worldly things holding me down. I have no reason to believe what they say about her, but neither do I have any reason to believe what she says. I really don't want to know more. And anyway it doesn't matter anymore. I'm really sorry I said those things about her. I probably stabbed her hard. I guess I should check my own actions first before speaking of hers. From now, I can only pretend I've never known her in my life.

Hebrews

2006-02-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

Hebrews

Cool. I recently completed one of my projects. It didn't even feel like work because I actually enjoyed doing it. I guess also because it was pretty easy. I've got steady hands so soldering is alright for me.

Pretty proud of it actually. It started off as a plain black colour plastic box and we're told to design it any way we want. So I painted it with acrylic paint to look like a wooden box with words carved on it. It's actually a melody box. It plays a number of simple tunes and those knobs and buttons control the volume and repetition of the songs.

I've just got this sudden love for the colour brown. Especially the dark shades of it. Beginning to get clothings with that colour too. No points for guessing why my box is brown then.

That's the inside of the melody box.

I just had the inspiration to "carve" those words on my "wooden" box. It just comforts me. Unlike people, I know my God will never leave me nor forsake me.

He's the only one I can ever trust. No one else at all.

Beneath that Smile

2006-01-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

Beneath that Smile

I received a copy of 'Beneath That Smile' from Robin a few days ago. It's a magazine meant to accompany the launch of The Da Vinci Code movie. It's a really good magazine because it just counters whatever that is claimed in the novel. It's titled 'Beneath That Smile' because of the famous Mona Lisa painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. The Mona Lisa was supposedly a self-portrait of Da Vinci painted as a female. Apparently, Da Vinci was trying to tell us something with her enigmatic smile. Well, could be a smirk too that he knew a secret.

We all know how much the movie, and the novel itself, will affect the Christian world one way or another. In Singapore alone, 3 million more copies of The Da Vinci Code novel will be published because of the movie.

In case people are wondering what the Da Vinci Code is about, it's a novel written by Dan Brown. In it, he claims that the famous artist Leonardo Da Vinci supposedly left clues in his paintings, that Jesus Christ was romantically linked to Mary Magdalene. Not only was Jesus married, but He was a father. The Da Vinci Code also characterizes the New Testament Gospels as mere "fabrications" and casts doubts on the deity of Christ.

People around the world, including Christians, will definitely be swayed and thrown into confusion by the amount of facts and evidence that's in the book. Problem is that, those supposedly truths and facts were being manipulated. There's a "FACT" page in the book that supports the claims in the novel and that every word is of historical fact, such as the marriage of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. It is indeed a "FACT" page. It clearly states that the documents, rituals, organization, artwork and architecture in the novel all exist. However, the "FACT" page makes no statement whatsoever about any of the ancient theories discussed by fictional characters. Intepreting those ideas is left to the reader, Dan Brown. There's a reason why in Borders, you can only find The Da Vinci Code under the FICTION section. Dan Brown himself admitted that the Da Vinci Code is a novel and therefore is a work of fiction.

So which to believe ?! The Holy Bible or The Da Vinci Code ? Put The Bible alongside the novel, it wins hands down. Talk about best sellers, The Bible is the best-selling book in the history of Mankind, whereras the novel was the best-selling book in 2003-2005. The Bible to date, has 2.5 billion copies sold. The Da Vinci Code, 36 million copies.

The Bible wasn't written by 1 man alone. It was written by more than 40 different authors, and across a period of 1,600 years. Yet amidst the diversity of authorship, there emerged a single unified story - the salvation plan of God for a sinful humanity. Only God could have pulled it off. Try getting 10 different carpenters to design a part of a table each. Can you imagine how impossible it would be ? The legs of the table would not be of the same length, and the drawer wouldn't fit.

It only matters on how we look at it. I believe that the novel and movie isn't here to destroy our faith. Instead, it's here to strengthen our faith. It's a time for God to truly test our faith in Him. How are we going to react when people are going to come up to us and question us if we still think Jesus is Lord ?

"My hope for The Da Vinci Code was, in addition to entertaining people, that it might serve as an open door for readers to begin their own explorations and rekindle their interest in topics of faith"

- Dan Brown

I believe God can use this opportunity to turn the tables around. Exactly what Dan Brown had said, it will surely stir up curiosity and interest in the people around the world. They will want to know more. They will want to know who exactly Jesus is. It will be a chance for us to find out how much we've grown in the Lord, to speak with His wisdom and words. It will be a chance for us to show them the Truth, to share with them who Jesus was and is, to sow the seeds in them. Instead of us going out looking for men to share the Word with, they will now come to us wanting us to share with them !! That's God's grace.

My King will reign in the end.

Vision

2006-01-16T23:41:00.000-08:00

Vision

There was something that happened over last week. Small as it may seem, it's really significant to me.

Last week on 12 Jan, Thursday night, as I was lying in bed ready to sleep, I suddenly thought of Robin, my Discipleship Group Leader. I really didn't know why then. Out of the blue, I had this very very clear vision of him in my head. I didn't know why, but suddenly I vividly recalled that he was having tests. And somehow, I remembered that one of those tests fell on 13 Jan, Friday. A few weeks back he asked for our MST dates so that he could pray for our tests, and in turn I asked for his too. However, I accidentally erased the SMS so I had nothing to remind me of his test dates. Yet, I was brought to consciousness of his test, just before I slept, on the night just before his test. (Actually it was already past 12 a.m, so it was on the morning of his test) So I got up to pray for him, constantly asking God to grant him strength and wisdom.

Today, we had our first Discipleship Group after a long layoff from the e-Learning week, holidays and MST week. So we started sharing how we've been.

Then Robin gave thanksgiving. He shared with us, that there was this night where he was studying for his test. It didn't go well as he got stuck at almost every question he attempted. It was a math test he was having the next day. Because of this, he got very panicky. He didn't know how he was going to get through his test the next day. The next day came. His test was in the afternoon and had lectures from the morning til then. Worried about his test, he didn't pay attention during his lectures, and constantly attempted those math questions. To his surprise and relieve, he was able to complete and understand most of them. He did those questions without getting stuck. And when his test came, it went rather smoothly for him, and he's confident of getting high grades for it.

I asked him which night was it.

And he said Thursday night, 12 Jan.

Isn't it amazing how God works ? I told Robin about how I got a vision of him that night, and how I felt this voice telling me to pray for his test. He smiled, and we both agreed on one thing, that it was God who put Robin into my head, so that I would pray for him, to ensure he gets through that tough period. It really is amazing, how I was all so ready to fall into deep sleep, when I got this sudden vision that Robin needs prayer for his test.

But I tell you what's most amazing, is that God actually used me to do His work. No amount of words can describe that feeling. Of all, He chose me. It may be something really really small and trivial, but the fact that the Mighty Creator of the Universe called upon a sinner like me to help a precious child of His. I'm really really not worthy. And the fact that God used the most amazing ways to talk to me, vision and voice, is definitely of divine calling. I think it's the very first time such a thing has ever happened to me. I definitely do not want it to be the last. May God continue to use me, not because I'll be able to boast about it, but because I'll be a humble servant for Him.

Robin challenged me to become a Discipleship Group Leader myself when I'm promoted to Year 2. I'd really love that but it would come with a big responsibility. But nothing beats building up the lives of juniors and seeing them grow. I've been doing that since Secondary school, but now, let me do it for God.

Win. Build. Send.

Shepherd of My Heart

2006-01-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

Shepherd of My Heart

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he stores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Psalm 23

Fly

2006-01-01T23:10:00.000-08:00

Fly

I had a great time yesterday, spending the last day of 2005. It's been so so long since I touched a soccer ball with my feet. I went to school in the morning to kick soccer with the SJAB people. Really love my time with them. Had lunch at Plaza Singapura and it was hilarious listening to TianWen's experiences in NS the entire day. Chilled at Dhoby Ghaut til late at night before going to Shunren's place to stay over.

There were 7 of us and we played games like Around The World, The Light Shine, Willy Wonka, Piggy etc. Haha. It was really funny. We went down to the swimming pool at around 3 am to lie down and dip our feets into the pool and look at stars. But yeah, there weren't stars. Firstly coz it's Singapore, and secondly the sky was filled with rain clouds. Started drizzling around 4 am so we went back to his room and we all fell asleep one by one. I think I was one of the first. Haha.

Woke up in the morning around 8, had breakfast at the coffeeshop before walking over to church for service. Today was just sharing and reflection on 2005. Pretty cool way to end and start the year. I enjoyed myself.

I just want to say that time really really flies without warning. I still can't believe it's already 2006.

Looking back, I thought 2004 was special in my life, but 2005 was out of this world. Very honestly, if I could have the chance to re-live this year again, I would. There are so so much memories. Not changing a single thing at all, I'd go through this year again without hesitation. In fact, I WANT to live this year all over again. Through heartbreaks and joy, I've not regretted anything at all. March annual camp, Zone and SingMa competition, OTC, School, 25 hours camp, combined Praise & Worship practices, CKC Incredibles camp etc. There's just so so much for me to put down everything.

I love everything I have now. I love even more the things I'm doing now and have done. Church, Campus Crusade, SJAB, even going to school is great. I've really never ever been happier. I thought I experienced true blessings when I was in a relationship, but thinking back, it can't even compare to what I have now.

It was totally time wasted. I'm glad God made me learn the hard way, not once but twice with the same person. If not for that, I'd still be my old naive self. Or stupid. I'm glad too also because with her, I wasn't walking the right path with God. I was distracted. I wasn't a Christian since young to start with, so I never knew the strong relationship with God. I didn't know I was heading the wrong direction. I didn't know I was hurting God. I went to church barely a month before I got sucked into her. But now I believe I do. God has never been stronger in me. Nothing can break this faith in me, for a thousand things more I have, that my soul desires to accomplish for the Lord, my King.

In my personal view, I think I've grown really quickly these past months. I'm glad God took her away from me, coz I've realized I've grown so fast when she's not here. I was stagnant, or you might call lukewarm, when she was in my life. Not now. Not anymore.

I cannot deny there are still things I want. I cannot deny there are still spaces in my heart that needs filling. Me being me, I know what I view as important and that my heart still seeks. I'm not ashamed. I'm only human. I'm not afraid to tell God everything I want.

But, I, am afraid of deciding for myself what I should have. Though I choose not to neglect my desires, I choose to put everything into God's hands. I know God loves it when we are honest and tell Him everything about us. I know I love it when I can be honest and just tell Him everything without worries. He will be my decider, He will be my guide. He knows everything that I want. But I leave Him to filter out things that He doesn't agree with me, for I know His plan is greater than mine. He will give me better things that I deserve. He will say no to certain dreams I seek, and give me ways that He had already planned for me a thousand years ago. There are things that I want, but I don't decide. He decides.

And that is something I'll take into this new year. God will lead my path, for His light breaks all darkness. I'm really really so gonna miss this year. Life indeed is short. Time really does fly. But I love my life. God has really been so good to me. And I'm really happy now. Really. =)

Happy New Year.

Chronicles of Narnia

2005-12-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

Chronicles of Narnia

I see so many people flocking to watch Chronicles of Narnia, but I doubt they know the film is actually based on the story of Jesus Christ.

I watched the film and I loved it. It just shows so clearly the battle between good and evil, God and Satan.

The character of the White Witch (Satan) is brought out so well in the film. First she gives you what you want. The temporary satisfaction of life, and temptation of material possesions. Then when she finds no use for you, she destroys you.

But how great it is to know, there is someone out there, willing to pay for our sins, to drag us out of darkness, so that we need not perish in darkness but have the chance to start anew !! Aslan the lion (Jesus) offered his own life instead to the White Witch, so that Edmund need not pay for the sin he committed.

The scene where Aslan made his way up the steps to the top of the stone table, depicted Jesus' walk up the hill where He was to be cruxified. Aslan was mocked at, punched and kicked, humiliated and shamed by the White Witch's followers, until he was sacrificed. As was Jesus Christ.

My beloved friends, if your heart wrenched when you watched the film and saw Aslan being humiliated and sacrificed, you could feel the same way for Jesus our Saviour too. My heart broke doubly, only because it wasn't the lion I saw on the screen. It was Jesus I saw.

But as it will be, Aslan rose from the dead !! He even brought the dead back to life with his mighty breath. What awesome power our God has.

Brothers and Sisters, if you saw the show, imagine it was Jesus for a moment. You'd come to believe, that He is our one and only King. Afterall, the books the movie was based on was written about Jesus Christ.

The battles and killings that happened on screen, aren't actually battles and killings. It is only represented by the spiritual warfare between good and evil. Aslan presented the sword and shield to Peter and they represented Truth and Hope. If we were to hold on to these so tightly in our spiritual battles, as did Peter in his battle against the White Witch's army, we will triumph over the evil. Jesus has given each and everyone of us our "sword and shield". We only need to grab on tightly and use them well.

Hail the Lion of Judah !!

Christ is born

2005-12-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

Christ is born

We had a gathering in church last night to celebrate Christmas eve. We put up a Christian musical, telling the story of Jesus' birth, and I must say it was pretty alright. I have to admit I ripped the naration from the musical Joy sent me, but I managed to fit in our own list of songs. Church was more crowded than usual as everyone brought friends and relatives. I really thank God too that Shunren, John and Eugene came. I'm slowly seeing my friends in SJAB receiving Christ one by one and I'm so very glad. God's perfect in His own timing.

During the CKC camp, while we were having that small little gift exchange in the room, I drew the number 17. I opened it and it was a little diary. Quite surprisingly, last night, I drew the number 17 again during own church's gift exchange !! I tell you it was so coincidental it's quite scary. I wonder what this number means anyway. Lucky number perhaps ? Moreover, I've always liked to wear a jersey with the number 17. Oh, I'm 17 years old this year too. But I won't be next year !! I'd love to be 17 my whole life. It's a nice number.

Oh, and guess what I got from that gift exchange... TOILET BOWL DISINFECTANT. I was like, "What on earth...". HAHA. God probably had a good laugh too.

You might ponder about the meaning of Christmas Day. It might not even cross your mind what Christmas is all about because you're too caught up with presents, food, gatherings, and just having a hell of a good time.

For me, I could sum up Christmas with a sentence. Let God's words be my gift for you.

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in him, shall not perish, but have eternal life"

Happy Birthday Jesus. I love You.

Mary did you know
That your baby boy, would someday walk on water ?
Mary did you know
That your baby boy, will save our sons and daughters ?
Did you know
That your baby boy, has come to make you new ?
This child that you've delivered
Would soon deliver you

Mary did you know
That your baby boy, will give sight to a blind man ?
Did you know
That your baby boy, will calm the storm with his hand ?
Did you know
That your baby boy, has walked where angels trod ?
When you kiss your little baby
Then you've kissed the face of God

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb

Did you know
That your baby boy, is heaven's perfect Lamb ?
This sleeping child you're holding
Is the Great I AM

-Mary did you know ?

NUH CKC Camp

2005-12-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

NUH CKC Camp

So I just got back from this camp jointly organised by SJAB Zone 10 and NUH, and I had the time of my life. I had a good break away from normal life and school so it was really great. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and it's something I know I'll never forget.

It's does alot to the heart to see the patients with their conditions. My heart sometimes really cringed. The participants range from 7 years old to 21 and they have sicknesses like diabetis and kidney failure. I see their weaknesses but at the same time, I see how strong they actually are. It was really an eye-opener for us who went.

Day 1:
We took the ferry over to the Marina Country Club resort at Pulau Ubin and we had treasure hunt and telematch. Fun fun fun !! Everyone was crazy. HAHA. Really let my hair down and just enjoyed. At our free time, we played beach volleyball with an oversized blown up soccer ball, kayaked at the lagoon, and we spent the night just crapping away.

Day 2:
Monday was crazier !! We went biking with the patients, then after lunch we a first aid workshop with them. But obviously they were bored stiff so I did magic tricks. HAHA. Then it was team building games and after that the Hai Sing girls and guys and I decided to go crazy, with all our clothes on we just jumped into the tiny swimming pool. I was like the only non-Hai Sing, but what the heck !! HAHA. Then just played in the pool. At night, there were performances put up by the groups and it was great !! Spent the night away chilling. Had a gift exchange ceremony among ourselves too. Never too early for Christmas !!

Day 3:
Got to leave !! =( I so didn't want to. Nothing much happened today. So sad I didn't get to take a photo with that person. Sigh.

I'm really glad that I was part of this camp. It will always be something I'll remember. Though it really was like we were on a holiday trip and we enjoyed ourselves alot, the real meaning we came here was to put the smiles on the patients faces. I won't shun away from such chances. I'm so happy the patients all enjoyed themselves too. I thank God for such an experience. =)

Think it will take some time for me to adjust back to normal life. Haha. But I can look forward to school !!

I never knew I would meet someone like you in the camp. But I did...

Pool time !!

With Hairianto and Kwee Haan

With a few of the patients

Nice lagoon ah !!

Huiyin, Hairianto, Hui Sian and me

Rain Down

2005-12-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

Rain Down

Went witnessing yesterday again. God never fails. It was pretty interesting this time. Both times Roger and I went up to someone, they were Roman Catholics. I'm still kinda new at this so I wasn't sure how to minister to a Catholic. Glad that I had a senior with me coz he gave me a few pointers. I'm sure it wasn't coincidence because I know God leads us to people He wants us to share Christianity with. Guess God also wanted me to learn how to deal with Catholics. Pretty cool.

I got this growing obsession in me to help people or serve God. Because I found out that only during these times, I don't think about my own life and start feeling my heart tearing up. I don't feel my pain when I'm submerged in doing something. It's my only escape.

Today during Digital Electronics lab session, I got so frustrated. I was almost the only one who couldn't get the stopwatch connection working on my trainer. There were 3 stages and I couldn't even get past the 1st stage. The worst part was that I could do the identical connection 2 weeks ago. For almost 2 hours I just kept trying. I didn't want to ask for my lecturer's or friend's help coz I wanted to do it myself. I just kept wondering why I could do it 2 weeks ago but not now. So the day ended with me getting no result.

I kept talking to God at first and I believed that if I keep trying I could do it. With Him, nothing is impossible. But I kept failing and I started to wonder if God was forsaking me. I really felt so bad I wanted to just pack up and walk off.

Then Shang Ming came over to ask me about the NAPFA test he and I had to take for the SAF Scholarship. That wasn't interesting. Interesting was when he sang a line from Above All.

"Crucified, laid behind a stone ... "

My mood totally changed !! I was rather surprised !! I didn't know he was a Christian. I asked and he said he wasn't, but he likes listening to Christian songs and he used to attend church for about a year. So I started sharing with him and for that period of time I felt so lifted up to be ministering to someone, I forgot about my frustration I had just moments before. He wasn't like a hardcore I-don't-believe-in-Christ-anymore guy. In fact, he sort of still believe there is a certain God. It's just that he doesn't want to commit to the religion. So I only had to encourage him to reconcile with our Father. It's natural that all fathers want a close relationship with their sons and daughters.

I felt so much better on my way home. If it wasn't for that chat, I could have continued the rest of the evening with a heavy heart.

1. I want to reach out to my own class, but it's difficult when I'm already so familiar with them. It's hard to explain. Anyway, God helped me by sending the first one. I'm thankful for that.
2. He made me forget my own pain by getting me to speak on His behalf to Shang Ming. Talk about killing 2 birds with 1 stone.

Before we left the lab, my lecturer came over and asked how I was doing. I finally decided to tell her how dumb I was coz I couldn't even get the MOD-6. She checked it and realized I only missed out on grounding one of the points on the trainer with a single wire. One wire.

argh, FREAK !! Felt so dumb !!!

Gen 12 ii

2005-12-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

Gen 12 ii

East Asia. Malaysia. Thailand. Cambodia. Where should I go ? Should I even go ? I really don't know. I don't want what I want. I want what God wants. Please help me.

Just Like Heaven

2005-11-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

Just Like Heaven

I watched Just Like Heaven over the week. I was wandering about aimlessly and alone. I was feeling down and I wanted to lose myself in another world. I'm a sucker for romantic movies so I watched it. Kind of remembered that 2 years ago, that was how I ended up watching Alex & Emma alone too.

I loved Just Like Heaven as much as I love A Walk To Remember. Feel like I could connect to these stories and understand the feelings of the characters. It's amazing how two strangers can come together and find love. It's about a lady who fell into coma, and a man who moved into her apartment where her spirit dwells. She rescued him from his own life and he ended up falling in love with her. He did everything he could to stop the hospital from taking the life-support machine off her. It was very moving.

My heart broke when Elizabeth woke up and totally forgot who David was. Just the look in his eyes, walking away in despair from the girl he loves. He must have felt so broken.

They should have left the movie as it was from there. I hated the ending.

Because there's no such thing as a happy fairy tale ending.

Jesus the Evangelist

2005-11-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

Jesus the Evangelist

With the spirit strong in me, I took another step to serve my Lord.

On Wednesday, I finally made the choice to step out and evangelise. Things have changed alot within me the past weeks. It was my first time agreeing to do witnessing in campus. I don't know why I agreed to do it this time but I want to do everything I can for God. When He comes with a calling, I can't say no. Another evidence of my breakthrough in God. I believe I'm not in Campus Crusade for nothing. Thinking back, I questioned myself how on earth I got myself involved in Campus Crusade. But now I believe it's God's plan and He just wants to use me.

After prayers, I walked around school with Robin to spread the gospel. There were a number we spoke to and the experience from it was invaluable, though there were of course people who shunned us. I met different kinds of people and my encounter with the first group was special. God really taught me a few things from it. I can't explain it here, only in person, but it wasn't what I expected. I just know now after this week, I will never hesitate to sacrifice my free time to walk out in school and reach out to the students in Christ. I know Jesus would have done that.

I admit, in the past, countless opportunities have always been laid out for me to work for God but I always shun away. Robin has always encouraged me to turn up for Harvest Day but I just didn't want to commit. I did not want to step out of my comfort zone. Many times we pray for God to use us, but when a chance presents itself, we sometimes pretend we don't hear and walk away.

I believe that many of us are not taking out opportunities to serve God. The fact that we're in Singapore is already a reason. Opportunities everywhere. Just that many don't go out and grab them. We always conveniently use our mouths to say how much we want to serve our God. At times, we have to go out and find means to do just that. Shouldn't sit around. Opportunities out there, just not laid on your doorstep. God wants to see us put in effort to go out there, find something to do for Him and work willingly if what we say is true, about how we want to serve Him.

And it came to pass, that, as the people pressed upon him to hear the word of God, he stood by the lake of Gennesaret, and saw two ships standing by the lake: but the fishermen were gone out of them, and were washing their nets. And he entered into one of the ships, which was Simon's, and prayed him that he would thrust out a little from the land. And he sat down, and taught the people out of the ship. Now when he had left speaking, he said unto Simon, Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught.

Luke 5:1-4

The boat in the verse refers to is us. Just imagine us as a little boat, floating comfortably by the beach. We hardly want to trouble ourselves. We're just happy staying in our comfort zone. Until one day, Jesus comes along into our lives. He pushed us out "a little" from our comfort zone so He could use us to stand at a height, such that He could minister to the masses better.

And so was also James, and John, the sons of Zebedee, which were partners with Simon. And Jesus said unto Simon, Fear not; from henceforth thou shalt catch men.

Luke 5:10

Yes. We need to go far out from our comfort zone. A little to help Jesus tell people about Christ. Lauch out into the deep, we shall catch men. Far out of our comfort zone, we shall catch men.

My Cup Overflows

2005-11-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

My Cup Overflows

You know I've never been a strong disciplined prayer, but now it comes so naturally to me. I don't think you'll ever know what I'm talking about until you've experienced it yourself. The breakthrough that God has so gracefully anointed me with, it really feels like the best thing in the world. My Christian life is definitely rising on a high and that is important. I had such a struggle before and my walk with God was tiring. Yet now it brings me such joy to serve Him, and it lifts me up day after day. I don't ever want to return to the days where I was in constant struggle. I now know the true joy of putting God first in everything.

This week alone I was in church 4 out 7 days. Pretty cool and it's probably going to be like that for further weeks to come. I just want to share something that happened on Saturday which I thought was quite funny. I was in HQ for the NUH camp meeting with zone 10. At the ending, Desmond sir was telling us that the next meeting was on the following Sunday and it was compulsory for all to attend. I could really feel my heart sink because I wouldn't be able to play in church !! But then, Hallelujah, he asked us what time we wanted the meeting to start. And Ah Liang mdm was saying don't start too late, preferably late morning. Everyone was quiet. Then I said, "Afternoon, 1 pm please. I have to be in church in morning." The senior officers all looked at each other for a while, then Desmond, with a tinge of hesitation in his words, said, "Okay lor, since Ian wants 1 pm then 1 pm lor." HAHA. Even our Zone Commissioner couldn't say anything and had to agree to my "demands". They all should be glad. Giving them opportunity to wake up later. Haha.

But I'm sure it was God doing His works that made it possible for me to still attend church. It's these small little things He does for me that makes me so happy. And it's these same small little things that so many people fail to see in their lives, that they fail to realize that God is present. I love Him so much.

Well anyway, after the meeting I made my way down to church for P&W practice. It was great. I decided it was time for the church to rejoice and be joyful in the presence of the Lord on Sunday, so we put out praise songs. And today's P&W was great !! I led the young and old to dance and be joyful in the Lord and really, the outcome couldn't be any better. After service they were all coming up to me saying what a good job I've done and how encouraged they are. They even said I had a a very nice powerful voice. HAHA. Which I really don't think so. I can sing but definitely not powerful. Actually, it turned out well only because I was praying everyday so intensely for God's energy to flow through. I was asking God to please please make it good. And their comments didn't sink in at all. All that was in my mind after service was relief. "Phew, finally over. Thank God it went well."

I was so relieved they were moved by God's presence today and that was all I cared about. My mind was in a blank, and I just kept thanking the Lord that I could make the tears flow, or the legs dance when I wanted to. But really, it isn't me, but God that moved them. I just pray God will continue to use me. And I believed it was through countless prayers and preparation from the entire worship team that led to a good session. The entire week was spent preparing for 30 mins on Sunday but it was all worthwhile. I'm not afraid to say I have a decent worship team with me now and we are capable of performing anywhere. Because of God. Now, I can't wait for Sunday to come again.

I wasn't a Christian since young. I wasted enough time. Now, I'm just making up for lost time. No one is ever going to take this joy away from me. Never.

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns, from Heaven above
With wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God