Unplugged & Raw

A true Gem

Man I have to say I really love my GEMs module. The lecturer's a great artist and his works are pretty marvelous. He's the president of the Singapore Watercolour Society, and has painted for quite a few companies I think. I just know he painted the series of packet drinks for Seasons.

He was showing us his works and there was this part where he flipped open to a plain sheet of paper with a painting of a biscuit. I tell you, I thought it was a real biscuit !! I was wondering
why on earth there was a biscuit in his file, but it was a painting !! It's amazing I tell you.

First lesson we painted the sky I think. I actually don't know what we're painting coz we were just told to practice toning. Yeah I think it's the sky coz he taught us how to get those cloud effects, and snow. My painting didn't come out really well. I can't see no snow !! We had to sprinkle cooking salt on our painting to get the snowing effect. Weird eh.

But who cares. It's a painting of the sky and it's blue !! My favourite. Can't wait to paint trees and rivers.

Up til now my parents and brothers have not moved over yet. Sigh. Though er ge is staying with me, he's out most of the time and won't come back til late late at night.

It's not nice sleeping alone in a empty home. If any kind soul would spend the sleepless nights with me.

I wish I could have someone wish me goodnight every night, like I used to have. God if only I could see you and touch you, I wouldn't feel so lonely always.

signing off at 11:56 PM

First

Finally school started today and it feels great to be back. I get to see all my classmates and it definitely will be another year to look forward to.

I started off the first day of my sophomore year well. Really well indeed. First lesson was at 8 a.m. I woke up at 7.50 a.m. How wonderful eh ? Haha. I reached school at about 9.30 a.m, just in time for breakfast with my classmates. Since it's Week 1, the lecturer dismissed the class early when it was supposed to end at 10.

I'm quite pleased with everything though. Really thank God. The lecturers are good and the modules are even better. To be honest my strength in Physics isn't in Electronics but Mechanics. I have much more interest in that, and this semester we're doing modules from School of MM. It was very interesting and we're finally starting on planes !! Can't say how excited I am. Planes !! Unfortunately though, there are still some dumb boring modules I have to take. And most of our lectures are now in Lecture Theatres, and it seems like a more condusive place than the classroom. I don't know, perhaps it's the first day, that's why I was motivated to pay full attention. We'll see as the days go on.

Crap. I'm gonna have to work my socks off to get good grades this year to pull up my cumulative GPA. Got a crappy score of 3.1 last academic year !! So darn disappointed. And I saw my results in the middle of my mission trip in Malaysia at the internet cafe. Bummer.

Just called 6 of my contacts, and yeah, hopefully they are interested in becoming my disciples.

God, You decide.

signing off at 11:50 PM

Consuming Fire

Just came back from Servant Team/Spiritual Multiplier (STSM) Retreat. It was supposed to be from Tuesday til Thursday but I joined them only yesterday. It was at Changi Safra Resort and I must say I had a nice time.

I was asked to lead P&W last night and of coz I gladly took it up. It always excites me to lead in P&W. I was also told yesterday to lead on 25th April for Campus Crusade Welcome Tea. That would be infront of more than 100 people. Oh man that's crazy coz I've never done that before. I'm definitely looking forward to that though. Now somehow I got shot the arrow of taking charge of our CCA booth. I don't know what to do !!

The STSM Retreat was basically to prepare our hearts and minds for the new academic year. Which also means taking up of new disciples and sheparding them for us new SMs. There was a bit of training to equip us new SMs with the right attitude and heart for discipleship. I really don't know how I'll do as a discipler with young lives in my hands. Jesus had 12 and He lost not one of them except for Judas that the scriptures may be fulfilled. I'm not only worried about losing, but also building. How am I going to impact and build a Man for Christ. Just like how Robin changed me and helped me along my path towards serving Christ and giving my life to Him. For that, I'm really very grateful to God for putting Robin in my life.

It's funny how I started out in Campus Crusade without enthusiasm of any sort for that ministry. I didn't even know how on earth I ended up in SPCCC. But it has taught me the importance of The Great Commission and given me the heart of evangelism. My heart's desire grew and the passion burned. I stucked to the ministry and I've not regretted it. It has given me great friends and memorable moments. It just reminded me of how I started out in Maris Stella SJAB as well. Totally no directions whatsoever, but yet I've found passion and great memories in there. I know it's God who paths the way for me, and it's His calling.

I may be giving more time serve in Campus Crusade as a leader now, but I know deep in my heart it's all for God. I'm glad to do it because I know, in that CCA, we're all serving God and not Man. I know I serve God and not Man. Not to have crazy times and hell of good times, but because of my love for God.

I watched Passion of Christ last night on DVD at the chalet. I heard how gory it is so I didn't dare watch it before, but since they had it on I decided to watch. It was so disturbing, I couldn't sleep well at all after the show. I was hiding behind the pillow most of the time after Jesus got tortured coz it was just too much for me. Even the girls watching were more brave than me. Haha. I had this particular dream but I'd prefer not to say it here. It's better if I explained it in person, but anyway after that dream, I didn't dare close my eyes anymore. So I ended up being the first to wake up. I waited for light to shine from the sky around 7 a.m before going out alone to enjoy the breeze in front of the sea. It was beautiful.

God may you lead me in my daily life, and grant me a pure heart and clean hands.

signing off at 11:32 PM

Got Mammoth ?

Yay I finally moved into my new home today. Back to the ghetto. The rest of my family will move in probably this weekend. For now, it's only Er ge and me. He's out now and I'm alone in this big house. Creepy. I'm pretty pleased with my new home. Thank God.

I watched Ice Age 2 last Friday. Haha it was really very cute. It's a very light movie and just the kind where you just wanna feel good after the movie. Good for people like me. People who just can't grow up. Argh I'm dreading turning 18. Crap I wanna be 17 forever.

Saturday was Zone 10 Footdrill Competition at Kranji Sec School. No surprises, Gan Eng Seng always wins hands down. Crazy man the way they do footdrill. They can quit school and be full time footdrillers. Well, at least we got top 6 in zone !! How great is that !?! Ah man I was so happy to see all my buddy officers again. So long since I saw them. 2 weeks !! Really brought alot of joy to me.

Then on Sunday was appreciation lunch for us in MSHS. Apparently our ex-ex-supt and ex-supt and supt wanted to buy all the Exco members lunch for achieving CAA Gold award the second year running !! They invited all the old dinosaurs back but when I rushed down after church, I saw only a few dinos. I thought there'd be more but... maybe they got stuck in the Ice Age ?

Lame Ian. Lame.

signing off at 10:24 PM

Devil's Stronghold

Finally got back on Tuesday night. My dad picked me up at Golden Mile and brought me out for supper first before going to our new home to have a look. And wow my house is pretty much done. It's nice alright. Except for maybe my room coz the colours aren't what I wanted it to be. The colours are too pale. Forget it. Been busy these few days painting the wardrobe, cleaning the house, packing stuff and moving.

I'm so happy I managed to get a seat in the GEMs class I wanted. God really does answer prayers. I thought my time slot yesterday was at 10-11 a.m, but when I logged in, it showed that my appointment was from 1-2 p.m. Kinda disappointed. The later your appointment is, the more likely seats get taken away and I wouldn't be able to choose the module I want. Besides, the module I want only has 40 seats !! But praise God !! I reached home at 1.30 p.m, logged in and found there was exactly 1 seat left for me !! The very last one !! Felt so happy man. Was so afraid I had to take some dumb GEMs that I didn't like again. By the way, the module I chose was Basic Water Colour Painting Workshop. Cool man. It's gonna bring me back to my love for art again.

I spent 16 days in a place called Serdang in Malaysia. It's about an hour's drive away from Kuala Lumpur. There's a university situated there, called Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM). That was the Devil's stronghold that we were to enter. It is HUGE I tell you. Joseph brought us on a tour around in the ministry van and I think probably 10 SPs can fit into one UPM. How many schools do we have in SP ? 5 or 6 ? They have 14 schools. We met our counterparts and they put us up at their center. It's kinda like a CCA room, only it's a rented apartment in something like a HDB flat which is just directly next to one of the entrances to the U. By the way, the Campus Crusade ministry here, don't call themselves UPM Campus Crusade for Christ, even though their National HQ is called Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ (MCCC). They call themselves UPM Campus Life Connection (CLC). It's an underground group here and basically they use the name CLC because the word "Christ" in the original name will only scare people off when they introduce which group they're from.

There were basically 2 kinds of evangelism we did. One was in the afternoon where we have to sneak into the campus and do street evangelism. We actually aren't even allowed in the campus, so we have to pretend we're students and enter only when there are no guards on duty. Everytime we enter, we had to pray for God's hand of protection to be on us that we may not be caught. It is not something that can be played around with. All of the students here are 20 years of age and above, and we targeted only the Chinese. When we approach them, we have to hide away our true identity first to avoid any possible complications. We can't even disclose how many of us are here when the students ask out of curiosity. We introduce ourselves as Poly students from Singapore and are here on a exchange programme to understand and know more about the university life and students in Malaysia. We'd then request them to do a survey (we use it as an ice-breaker) and from there we start conversing with them. Normally we just make friends with them first, because convincing a non-believer to receive Christ the first time you meet him just builds a barrier in your friendship. We had to foster close friendships first, so that they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say. Besides, we had to know them more to know they're trustworthy enough for us to tell them where we're staying and our main purpose here.

The other kind of evangelism takes place at night. Joseph or Pay Shen will drive us into the hostels in the van to do door-to-door witnessing. That's another scary business. Have to pray hard that whenever we drive through the guard posts, their eyes will be blinded to our presence and they won't stop us to check. Security in that school is really tight, because once, 2 million RM worth of stuff was stolen before. Thus, only students and lecturers are allowed in that school. Strictly no one else. They call the hostels "Kolej" here, or how we spell it as "College". I call it scary business also because it's freaking scary to knock on doors at the Kolej. You never know what you're gonna get get. We have to always call on God's courage and strength. It is compulsory for all 1st years students to stay in the campus hostels, and there are alot of hostels here. Alot. However, all of us found that the night evangelism is normally the most fruitful.

The students here are really friendly. I don't know if it's because we're foreigners so they're interested, but really they are so genuine and friendly. I was very amazed by it. Of coz there were the exceptions that were shy or couldn't be bothered with us, but those were the minority. Some of the friends we made sometimes even came to visit us at our place, and willingly accepted our invitation to bring them to Pay Shen's church, go mountain climbing with us, attend our Singapore Nite or even having supper with us. But just like every student there, they have a very strong barrier when it comes to Christianity. It's easy to make friends with them, but once the topic about Christ pops up, you can see a very strong defence system shoot up. They are just not spiritually ready. There are other factors as well. The university life here is really very stressful. I was quite taken aback. They sometimes have classes that end late into the night at 10. Almost every student has night classes even though they're full time students. They have exams like ever so often. Sometimes even before they get back their results for the previous exam, they have to sit for one already. I was told that UPM is well known for their frequency of exams. Assignments and projects pile up and all these hinders us from meeting them. Sometimes we want to arrange lunch or dinner with them, it's totally impossible for us to meet them. At the same time, they have so much in their minds, they have hardly any time to think about religion and Christ.

We didn't yield any harvest from this trip. I was pretty discouraged towards the end of the trip. One of the nights when I heard that the team in Sabah had 15 plus people receiving Christ, and Australia team had more than 7, I knelt down and started pleading to God. I was alone outside praying while the rest were in the rooms. I was crying also because of all the spiritual battles I was going through. I was very drained by then. Then I realized my teammate saw me and he knelt beside me to pray with me. The rest then came out and we all knelt down together to plead to Christ for a revival in the land. That really made it worse. I couldn't stop crying. But my team leader encouraged all of us by telling us that maybe we're sent as sowers of the seeds, not harvesters. If everybody wants to harvest, who's going to sow the seeds ? We can only put our faith and trust into God's plans for His timing is perfect. Ronald also told us stories about a missionary in Thailand who slogged for 6 years before seeing fruits bear. 6 YEARS. I spent 2 weeks and I wanted to see a miracle. I really am so young and naive in the Lord.

The ground is definitely hard. Halfway through the trip, Joseph confessed to us that this was actually the hardest ground. Even Navigators decided to close shop after 4 years of ministry here. It was just too hard. For 4 years, CLC has not seen a single male receive Christ. Only a few girls received the salvation. And we felt it too. The Devil had a very strong grip on his land here. The spiritual atmopshere is scary. We can only pray that our seeds were sown in the way Jesus wants us to. Maybe another team will come to reap the harvest. I pray hard that that will happen one day.

I didn't totally enjoy the trip at all. But I do not regret sending myself to set foot into the Devil's territory. I struggled through the trip. I don't know if I've grown. I felt like so much have been taken out of me, so much "juice" squeezed away. Everything I used to be slowly dripped away day by day in the battlefield. But I've made it through and if that's growth, then it shall be. On the 5th day, I was already dying to go home. Being stuck with the same people for 16 days really takes its toll on you. I reached a point where I couldn't stand being with all of my teammates except for one, and that's God. I dreaded living in that apartment. The surroundings were so filthy and the air smelled so freaking bad. The toilet flushing system wasn't working, and if I bathed for too long the toilet will flood coz the sewage system totally sucks. Water will start gushing out from the pipe. Everynight I get countless mosquito bites all over in my sleep, and every lunch and dinner we ate almost the same food. The weather was totally crazy as well. One moment it's scorching hot, half an hour later it turns into a thunderstorm. I was battling with myself each day, until I finally broke down and fell ill on the 12th day and it got worse the next day. I was down with fever and I felt like dying then. I just wished God would take my life there and then.

I've learnt that evangelism isn't a 5 min thing to one person. It's a very long process. From building of friendship, to constant meetings, to sharing and discussing, to following up. 2 weeks may seem long to me at first but I felt that we needed more time. Though I would have suffered more, I would gladly let God give us more time to continue our mission work. But we had to return home. We handed over our contacts to the CLC I know at this moment, they could well be following up on them.

I think the most I've learnt about, is myself. Never in my life had I so much of sinful and negative thoughts coming into my head each day. I begin to see how ugly I actually am. I'm really such a sinner, unworthy of His grace. It may have been Satan's work but I can't always blame the Devil and never me. I was disgusted with myself for always thinking bad about my teammates. The things they did, the person they are, sometimes made me mad and pissed, I end up formulating sinful thoughts about them. I was on a mission trip, there was no way I could let all those hinder me. But I couldn't fight them. I was too weak, and they kept coming in. All I could do was put them aside or avoid them, until they return again. I tried very hard to put on a heart of love instead of hatred. I had to accept them for who they are. I was able to do that but the harder I try, the worse it becomes for me because inside of me, I was still filled with sinful thoughts. Everynight I had to ask God for renewed strength, because the battle was endless. It was horrible. God's grace was enough though. I made it through, and when I shared this problem with everyone during the last day, they were surprised because apparently, I didn't show any hints of unhappiness or discomfort. They never would have thought I was struggling. But I guess that's me. I always choose to suffer alone. No one really understands me anyway.

If anything, God has taught me to be more patient and loving in this trip. I didn't once pass sarcastic remarks or angrily showed a long face. Partly because it was a mission trip, I had to control myself. I was on God's work. If I was in another scenario, I might have just made judgements to my friends and end up hurting them. I've learnt to put on a loving heart instead and not judge, accepting people for who they are. The person I should first judge is myself. God has also taught me to rely more on His strength and His guidance. Many a times I do things to my own strength. He has taught me to place faith in Him, for He can do greater things than me. He has also put a heart of obedience into me. I have to hear His words and follow. He has matured me in this trip. Lastly, I've learnt to appreciate what I have here. My family, my friends, my home, my God, my salvation. God's forgiveness means alot to me. So does Man.

Alot of the Malaysian Crusaders were asking me why I pierced my ears. I told them the truth. I pierced my ears so that everytime I look into the mirror, I'd be reminded to tell that boy standing in front of the mirror to never be the person he once was.

The bus ride home was really comfortable. It was a first-class coach. One-seater with a personal TV. I watched Hitch, Incredibles and Robots. Like finally. I know, pathetic right ? Robots was so funny. That little robot that had the key into Big Well City was some funny shiet. It was so cold I was curled up under the blanket. Comfy.

I got dark when I finished the shows, so I switched the TV off and rested my eyes. It was so comfortable. I was curled up in the big one-seater under the blanket. It was dark outside on the highway and heavy rain was pelting down on the window pane. You know how much I love the rain. The bus was dimly lit with soothing orange light. I was in total comfort and peace. It was then I started to ponder, if only the bus would never stop, that moment would never seize, the journey would never end. I would gladly stay in that spot forever. How I wish life was that way too. A peaceful and comfortable journey until our time is up. But no. I have to get off that bus and face the world. But I know my God who drives that bus is waiting at the other end for me. When I reach finally reach that bus, God will continue the journey. But it will be different. The bus would never stop, the moment would never seize, the journey would never end. I would be be back in that big comfortable chair, curled up under the blanket with the dimly lit orange light and rain pelting down on the window on the dark highway. God would be next to me watching over me as I sleep. That would be the greatest comfort I'd feel in the world.

I will seek You to be under your refuge forever.

signing off at 12:47 PM

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Monday, April 17, 2006

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Monday, April 10, 2006

Friday, April 07, 2006