Unplugged & Raw

Center of the spin...

Yeah.

Exams are just steps away but I'm here wasting away. I need some m-o-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n (such an aggravation). The thing I can't believe is that soon, I'll be in my final year. It honestly felt like yesterday that I enrolled into SP. This is bad... I've not had enough fun yet.

Now crusaders have a new hang out place. In a space of one month, I've had SIX visits from them at the restaurant. That is an extremely high rate, any way you see it. It feels like everytime I work, I'm sure to have friends come dine at my workplace. My parents came last night for dinner when I was working too... whoo~~! I'm a blessed boy.

The pressure of being an ST in ministry has been catching up with me fast, even though my term hasn't even started... feel it rising up to the neck. Sometimes they don't understand that we're afterall... just students. And we really have our own life to handle... I wish I was as perfect as you all want me to be.

Today Nesh called me aside and commended me for my good performance at work, and even gave me extra incentives. I don't know what I did that was so different from the rest... we all do the same work... but I guess it must be God granting me favour in the eyes of my superiors. I'm pretty sure I just did my job to the best I could... because I did it for the Lord.

What about ministry ? I wonder when's the last time, a personal talk from top down was purely to recognise some good thing we did... not just to talk about us doing something wrong that needs immediate change.

Disappointment ?

I hate having to go for attachment. Shiet.

Peace

I hear you

signing off at 6:01 PM

Tear down the temple

All that comes to my mind is,

"Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days"
-John 2:19

This rebuilding work is painful.

"If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales ! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas- no wonder my words have been impetuous. The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God's terrors are marshalled against me. Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass, or an ox bellow when it has fodder ? Is tasteless food eaten without salt, or is there flavour in the white of an egg ? I refuse to touch it; such food makes me ill."

"Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off ! Then I would still have this consolation- my joy in unrelenting pain- that I had not denied the words of the Holy One. What strength do I have, that I should still hope ? What prospects, that I should be patient ? Do I have the strength of stone ? Is my flesh bronze ? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me ?

"Does not man have hard services on earth ? Are not his days like those of a hired man ? Like a slave longing for the evening shadows, or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages, so I have been allotted months of futility, and nights of misery have been assigned to me. When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up ?' The night drags on, and I toss till dawn. My body is clothed with worms and scabs, my skin is broken and festering. My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again. The eye that now sees me will see me no longer; you will look for me, but I will be no more. "

"As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so he who goes down to the grave does not return. He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more. Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard ? When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning."

"What is man that you make so much of him, that you give him so much attention, that you examine him every morning and test him every moment ? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant ? If I have sinned, what have I done to you, O watcher of men ? Why have you made me your target ? Have I become a burden to you ? Why do you not pardon my offenses and forgive my sins ? For I will soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I will be no more. "

"I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to opress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the schemes of the wicked ? Do you have eyes of flesh ? Do you see as a mortal sees ? Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a man, that you must search out my faults and probe after my sin- though you know that I am not guilty and that no one can rescue me from your hand ?"

"Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me ? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again ? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews ? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit. But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind: If I sinned, you would be watching me and would not let my offense go unpunished. If I am guilty- woe to me ! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction. If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion and again display your awesome power against me. You bring new witnesses aginst me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave. "

"Why then did you bring me out of the womb ? I wish I had died before any eye saw me. If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave ! Are not my few days almost over ? Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy before I go to the place of no return, to the land of gloom and deep shadow, to the land of deepest night, of deep shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness."

-Book of Job

Help me from my sins

signing off at 12:30 PM

Slip foot

How much actually happened in such a short time... plenty I'd guess. I remembered the caroling at Esplanade. Honestly all I remembered that night was us trying to stay awake, and walking one big round and ending up back at City Hall. How marvelous.

Christmas period for me was all work. I guess I didn't mind because there was the Meta camp to look forward to on boxing day. If I were asked to rate how much the camp rawked, I wouldn't jump to give an answer. Perhaps I expected more... I think we all did. But well, I really loved the omega night. I thought that was the best. I enjoyed Project X too. I was simply amazed at how God worked right in front of my eyes.

Project X is an event in the camp where all the conferees are sent out to all over the nation to do street witnessing. Melissa and I went to Bedok and somehow we decided to sneak into Pasir Ris Secondary which was really near the Mrt to share the Gospel with students. The first miracle happened when we saw a piano in the canteen. To others it probably wouldn't have meant a thing, but for Melissa I think she saw the realness of God. Here's the thing; just the day before, she was jokingly complaining about getting withdrawal symptoms because of the few days that she hasn't been able to lay hands on a piano... fingers feeling the itch apparently. She even contemplated going into some Yamaha store to satisfy her craving during Proj X. I mean... how often do you actually see a piano placed right in the middle of a secondary school canteen ?? And there it was, a piano right in front of us... in a school which we should'nt even have been allowed to enter. God is so good. I stood amazed. Well she played and sang 'Why'... I stood amazed at that too. Hahah. She's got a voice that's mesmerizing.

We waited but because it was school holidays, there weren't students for us to share with. Somehow we decided to wait, and then 4 guys walked into the canteen. I went up to them and I tell you, from all the many times I've shared the Gospel with people, this was best experience I ever had sharing the Gospel. The guys were so friendly, one of them even showed us a magic trick as entertainment. How darn cool is that. Found out that he was already a Christian, and when he shared his life testimony, I was so encouraged. I didn't have to share mine because his friends would have already seen Christ in him. Now that's what our vision is all about, 'So that every student will know someone who truly follows Jesus'. We managed to share with a total of 8 people that day, and we really saw God's providence.

That night when the entire camp gathered back, we saw a total of 65 people receiving Christ across the nation. Praise Jesus ! The harvest out there is plentiful man... people are just waiting for that someone to share their faith with.

Apart from all those, I remembered serving in the camp as worship leader. I had imagined myself being so excited to talk about my experience leading the worship session at night with a band in front of 500 over youths crazy for God. But now all I face is reluctantness as I recall about the experience. It was a really humbling time for me. I didn't feel any ownership about the session that I led, but I had to submit to the leaders. I could only pick 1 song, so the whole thing wasn't personal to me, and I ended up not enjoying it at all. Worst still, I couldn't really feel the 2 songs that were chosen for me, so it felt like I was just singing them through without heart. But I learnt at the end of it all, worship isn't about how I feel, because worship ultimately is for God, not for me. I wondered how many people actually could worship freely that night... I couldn't... I think I seriously screwed up. So much I had to do in just 15 mins... how great. I was so looking forward to it... but what I thought would be one of the best experience for me, turned out to be one of the worst. God You're still worthy of praise. May I be decreased so that you can increase.

I thank God for the entire year. This has been one whole amazing year. I'm grateful of how God changed me from the person I was. Right from the beginning til the end. I've so many accounts I wouldn't be able to write them all down. It is truly truly indescribable... every single experience that God has put me through. Truly the desires of this world will fade away, but the man who does the will of the Lord lives forever. I've slowly learnt to sacrifice all that I have. This life is not mine to live, but God's. And that's the way it will be this year again, and the next, and forevermore.

This is no sacrifice.
Here's my life

signing off at 2:59 PM

Monday, January 29, 2007

Friday, January 12, 2007

Wednesday, January 03, 2007